Standard Disclaimers:  No no I won't say it and you can't make me.

Authors note:  This is for all my pondies who participated in a spunky debate on the episode Fair Haven.  Story may contain spoilers.  This especially for Nerys and Ronnie, both of whom made me laugh with their takes on the epi.  Enjoy.

There But For the Grace of You go I

by Cat

NC-17

Kathryn stared at the chronometer. Once more she was awake at 3am with nothing but her thoughts to keep her company. The worst part of it was that they were doing to damn good a job. With a sigh she rolled from her bed and stretched before walking over to the window and staring out at the passing stars. Her interlude with the hologram had been fun. For the first time in a long time she had dropped her guard and truly enjoyed being a woman. She had enjoyed the talking and the flirting and, heaven help her, the feeling of being held securely in a man's arms. The problem was that now she felt guilty. She had crossed the line, scratched an itch, and even began to feel something for this creature that wasn't even real. What was worse was that her crew was aware of her fall from grace. Not that they'd say anything or be cruel in their actions, they understood after all that she literally had no other options. It didn't make it any less embarrassing. She felt like a teenager that had procured a blow up doll and been caught using it. The worst part for her was that he accepted it. He let it slide with his typical patience and understanding and even a bit of humor. What he didn't realize is that the hologram was a replacement for him. A replacement for all the things she wished could be and knew could not. It didn’t help that she took the only option open to her, turned to the only outlet she had. And he understood, and encouraged it… This train of thought is getting you nowhere Kathryn! With that mental reminder she turned, determined to find something to occupy her time and still her thoughts. She grimaced as she looked at her desk. All the padds had been read earlier, so there was nothing there to garner her attention. With a sigh and a muttered curse, she turned and headed to her closet.

She flung open the door and quickly grabbed a dress out of the closet, barely looking at it as she threw it down on the bed. Her nightgown flew over her head and the dress quickly replaced it. She frowned slightly as the sleeveless, floral gown fluttered around her. The dress reminded her of warm summer days in the sunshine. The soft calico material had a V-neck and buttoned all the way down to the bottom. It was soft and feminine without being revealing. She scowled again as she turned. It was not something the crew usually saw the captain in, especially without supportive undergarments. With another frown at the image in the mirror, she shrugged off her doubts and left, heading for the holodeck. It's not like I'm traipsing about naked after all. Something in her was calling to be free, to just flow with the mood and the moment, to be a woman for a change.

Upon reaching the holodeck she called up an old program she hadn't accessed in years. It was home, or at least her favorite place at home. The fields surrounding her favorite old tree, her thinking tree. Yes, that's what she needed, to think. She had never gotten around to building the house, the thought had always hurt too much. But she had needed this place, this little piece of home to ground her. Maybe that's why I've been so off center, she thought as she turned in a slow circle. She closed her eyes for a moment. "Computer, change the sky to night and raise the temperature to ninety degrees. Program a full moon. Initiate a summer breeze." She sighed as the computer made the adjustments. Warm, sweet smelling summer air washed over her, rustling her hair and rattling the leaves of the tree. A sense of peace came and went so quickly she thought she imagined it. Something settled over her and once more she turned her face up to the starlit sky. "Computer, raise ambient temperature by 5 degrees and increase wind speed, add storm clouds and the rumble of thunder." She smiled in grim satisfaction as the computer initiated her changes once more. The storm clouds slowly rolled in covering the stars and allowing her erie glimpses of the moon. "Computer initiate a summer storm, no lightening. Allow the rain to fall in a natural storm progression." Once more the echo of thunder rumbled through the air. The wind picked up, pushing against her. As a gentle fall of rain began, she lifted her face to the sky and held her arms out to her sides in silent worship.

Chakotay had just finished a round of pool with Paris and Kim and was walking out of holodeck one when the sound of muted thunder reached him. Curiosity got the better of him and he glanced at the program running on holodeck 2. The title of the program didn't sound familiar to him, but the occupant caused him to stop and think. He knew Kathryn had the early shift in the morning and could only fathom one reason for her to be up this late. It was obvious she couldn't sleep. He wondered if she needed someone to talk to. There had been more than one time that she had checked his location in the middle of the night, and usually finding him in his quarters and verifying with the computer that he was awake, had asked to join him. Those were the times when ships troubles got to her or she just needed a friend. She had even confessed to him once that if he wasn't in his quarters or wasn't awake then she refrained from bothering him. He wondered if this was one of those times. He wondered, for a moment, if her unrest was the same as that plaguing him. He shook his head and checked with the computer. There was no privacy lock engaged, so he entered the program. He wasn't worried about invading her privacy, they had shared holodeck time before. If she minded he would apologize and leave, but he figured she would probably welcome a friend, just as she always did. Upon entering the holodeck, he was surprised to find the rain falling in gentle patterns, soaking the ground on the nearly barren field. He took a few steps forward and stopped, stunned. There before him stood Kathryn, her face to the sky, allowing the rain to wash over her, looking for all the world like a pagan worshiping the approaching storm. He was just about to turn and leave when a ragged sound reached his ears. He focused on Kathryn once more, trying not to notice the way the wet dress clung to her frame. The subtle shaking of her body told him more than he ever imagined. Never in all his years as both her friend and first officer had Chakotay seen Kathryn Janeway cry. Even now she was trying to hide it in the fall of rain, as if it could wash away he tears and no one would know. He hovered, indecisive for a moment as he contemplated his course of action. Another ragged sob echoed over the patter of the rain and he knew there was no choice at all. His mind made up, Chakotay walked to her, ignoring the suddenly shocked eyes that opened and widened as he pulled her into a warm hug.

Kathryn stiffened with shock, uncertain as to who was holding her and why. Even as she tried to pull away, he pulled her closer. The very feel of him was familiar, though it had been so long since he had held her, the smell of him overwhelming her senses, mingling with the confusion in her mind, bringing one clear thought. Chakotay. Even as part of her registered that she should be pulling away, berating him for his actions, the other part, the woman who been trying to free itself, took over and nestled closer. This was Chakotay and even if she was going to regret it later, now she needed him.

Chakotay smiled grimly at his unexpected victory and worried about the woman in his arms. Something must truly be bothering her for her to allow him to hold her. He waited, knowing that she would pull from him eventually, hoping that she wouldn't. He held her for what seemed like hours before she finally tipped her face up to his. He brushed the hair back from her face, flinching at the utter sadness in her eyes. "What Kathryn? What is it?"

She shook her head and slowly moved her arms up until they curved around his neck. He blinked, and then she was pulling his head down and kissing him. For a moment he melted into the embrace, returning her kiss with a fierce passion of his own, devouring her mouth, even as she devoured his. Warning bells went off in his head as she pushed her body flush against his. Even as he responded instantly to her nearness, his hands closed on her arms and pushed her away from him. He searched her eyes, trying to read her mood, her thoughts. What was her motive? He almost gave in as she gave him this hurt, confused gaze, her eyes asking why he was pushing her away. "Why now Kathryn?"

The rain increased its tempo, washing over her face and forcing her eyes closed. "I need you to hold me. I want you to hold me, to make me feel real. I need to feel like a woman again and I need to know it’s real." Her eyes as they opened and met his were full of pain.

Chakotay froze as her fingers went to the buttons of her gown. For an instant he thought all his dreams were real, were coming true. Then he met her eyes once more. She wasn't there, she wasn't doing this because she loved him or wanted him, she was doing this to meet some need in herself, maybe even to redefine herself. With one look he knew she was in a vulnerable moment and that this decision she had made was one that she would regret. He forced himself to raise his hands and cover her own, stopping her movements. "We can't do this Kathryn. Not now. Wait a little while and if you still feel the same we can talk about this, work something out."

She shook her head. "No. It's now or never. I know you want me Chakotay. I can see the effect I have on you. Make love to me. Please?"

The plea in her voice and in her eyes was almost his undoing, but he stood his ground. "I have wanted you for a long time, but this isn't right, this isn't you speaking." He dropped his hands from hers and stepped back.

Kathryn saw the refusal in his eyes and fought back another flood of tears. She spun away suddenly, humiliated to have bared her soul before him and to be rejected. "Damn you Chakotay! Why do you have to be so damn noble? Why can't you just for once take what I'm offering you? I'm offering!" She spun around again and flung herself at him, her fingers clenching into his shirt. "You are my friend, the only one I've ever been able to turn to. I need you. Why can't you just accept what I offer?"

He gripped her hands, surprised at her impassioned words. "Because I know this is not you, this is not what you truly want. I care too much for you to let you make a mistake."

She shook him, hard, tearing his shirt a bit in her fury. "Who else can I turn to if not you? A hologram? I can't. It's not in me." She pushed away from and stomped toward the tree, resting her head against the rough bark. "Don't you see? Don't you understand? It's been so long since I've allowed another person to hold me, kiss me. I'm slowly becoming an automaton, a mechanical creature. I even deluded myself into falling for a hologram, allowing the relationship because I could control it, turn my emotions off at the drop of a hat, and his off when they became inconvenient." She turned back, resting against the tree, her hands fisted in the material of her dress. "I allowed him to kiss me and I allowed myself to think that I could actually form a relationship with a trick of light. But do you know what happened? I realized that he wasn't real. I was turning to imaginary creatures to get what I needed. It made me feel alive for a time, but then I realized what I was doing, the control I held in my hands, that it wasn't real. And that made me feel less real too. Don't you see Chakotay? I need a real man to hold me, to make love to me." She lifted her arms out to him imploringly. "Who can I turn to if not my best friend? The only person who cares enough about me to give me a hug because he knows I need one."

Chakotay stepped forward, intertwining his fingers with hers. "I understand your need Kathryn, but I don't think you are thinking rationally. I don't want to take the place of some other lover image in your mind."

She stepped into his arms again and slowly began opening the buttons of his shirt. "There is no other lover in my mind, just you. Always you."

"But…"

"Shhhh… Stay with me. Love me." Once more she pulled his head down to hers and kissed him with everything in her.

Chakotay sighed into her mouth and as her body pressed to his once more, he lost all thought of an argument. He pulled back once more, but this time to watch as she shrugged the dress from her body. He watched in awe as it fluttered from her body, leaving her gloriously naked to his eyes. She stepped forward, all traces of sadness replaced by desire. He barely noticed the slowing fall of the rain as she pushed his shirt from his shoulders. On impulse, she leaned froward, licking at a trickle of water that trailed down his chest. He closed his eyes, tipping his head back as she repeated the caress. Her hands located the fastenings of his pants and opened them, pushing them over his hips and legs. He waited, trying to control his need, when he noticed all sound of movement had stopped. Nothing but the patter of the rain sounded around him. Fearing Kathryn had changed her mind, he opened his eyes to find her. His heart jumped into his throat at the sight of her kneeling in front of him. No sooner had the thought of her taking him into her mouth entered his head, then his wish became reality. He groaned, pleasure coursing through his veins like fire. Unable to endure the sweet torment, he reached down and pulled her up to him, his mouth once more closing over hers. Swiftly, his mouth never breaking contact with hers, he kicked free of his shoes and pants. Kathryn sighed against his lips and tried to burrow closer. On impulse, he lifted her above him, bringing his mouth level with her breast. As his lips closed over the turgid peak, she let out a small cry and wrapped her legs around his waist. Slowly he slid her down his body, moaning as her damp heat came into intimate contact with his arousal.

Without a thought, he shifted her, plunging inside her. The tight clench of her inner muscles and the telltale stiffening of her body told him all he needed to know. She had not slept with that damn hologram, and he was her first lover in a long time. His mouth brushed over her face, cheeks, nose, before settling once more on her mouth. The gentle lap of his tongue as it stroked over her palate was at odds with their earlier frenzy. He trailed a gentle path over her cheek, to her ear, then to her forehead. She was already relaxing against him, her body contracting around him as he waited for her to adjust. Slowly, careful not to lose his grip on her slick body, he walked toward the tree. The friction of their bodies rubbing together as he walked forced another soft moan from Kathryn. She arched her back, taking him deeper, and then her back was against the tree and he was panting gently into her face. As their breath mingled, he shifted one hand to the tree behind her back and the other to her bottom. "I hope you're ready love because I can't wait any longer." He shifted her again, watching as her eyes fluttered close. "No Kathryn. Look at me. Stay with me." He flexed his hips dragging another moan from her. Slowly her eyes fluttered open and locked with his. With her attention focused on him he began to move again. He started with slow deep strokes that steadily increased in tempo as the need for release built in him. The feel of her body, the stiffening of her legs and the impassioned cries spilling from her lips told him she was near. He held back though, every nerve screamed for release until she clenched around him, her body arching and spasming, milking a response from him. As the powerful force of his climax swept through him, he pulled her close. Even as she shuddered against him and around him he held her, allowing the light fall of rain to wash over them both. Slowly, reverently he kissed her. Finally she began to move and he allowed her to slide down his body and to her feet.

Kathryn stood shakily before him and refused to meet his eyes. The implications of what she had just done frightened her to the core. She had wanted him, had needed him, had practically forced him to make love to her, and now that all was said and done, she didn't know what to do, to say. Once more she beat Kathryn into submission and lifted her eyes to Chakotay's. The blank look shocked him, as did her words. "I… " She took a deep breath. "This never happened Chakotay. It doesn't leave this room."

Anger tore through him. "What?"

Her eyes dropped once more as she moved to pick up her dress. She quickly drew the soggy material over her head and covered herself. "I can't… We can't… Oh hell, I needed you and I wanted you, but it can never be more than this." Her eyes pleaded with him to understand.

Fury sparked in his eyes and he grasped her arm. "That's all this is to you then? A quickie in the rain and that's it? You finally deem me worthy to fuck but that's all. The scratching of an itch? I knew you were a cold one Kathryn, but I never dreamed you were this cold."

She flinched at his scathing tone. "You're more than a quick fuck Chakotay, I just can't do the rest of this. Don't you see? I needed you and you were there for me." She shrugged in a helpless gesture. "We can't have anything else, be anything else. I need you to be my friend more than anything else. My friend and first officer. Please, don't make this any harder than it is."

He snorted, his eyes narrowed. Why hadn't he listened to his instincts? "Fine Kathryn. We'll play this you're way." He stormed over and dragged on his pants. "The next time you want a fuck buddy, let me know. I'm sure I can accommodate you."

The look in his eyes tore at her heart, but the anger in his words sparked an answering call in her. "Oh stop being crude and the martyr. Why can't you accept this as a special gift, one granted to the two of us?"

As he swept up his belongings he glared at her. "Oh yes, a noble gift from my Captain. How many others of the crew will you share yourself with? How often…" The crack of her hand against his cheek stopped him.

"How dare you? You are way out of line Commander. Now I know why I've never…" Tears filled her eyes but she refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry. "Just go Chakotay."

His eyes narrowed on her for a moment before he offered a mocking bow. "As you wish Captain. Here to serve Captain. Happy to oblige, Captain." The last words were all but spit out of his mouth and he turned and walked away.

Kathryn sank to the ground as the door closed behind him and allowed the tears to come. She had come full circle tonight. Why couldn't he realize that as much as she wanted him she couldn't split herself like this too often? It was just too hard. She looked wearily up at the moon that was peeking through the clouds. The soft fall of rain had dwindled to a drizzle. She sat there for a long time, contemplating her foolishness and Chakotay's, trying to figure out how to mend the breach.

The tension on the bridge the next day was palpable. The Captain had excused herself early on and the Commander sat his chair in stony silence. Paris sat tense at the helm, knowing better than to make a move. All earlier attempts at conversation and joking had been slapped down by either the Commander or the Captain, and the bridge crew, with the exception of Tuvok, was miserable. A brief message flashed across his screen and a quick check told him it was from Harry.

Man, I hate it when they get like this.

No kidding.

What do you suppose is the problem this time?

My guess is that the Commander made a pass and was slapped down again. Everytime they fight you can almost guarantee it's because he ain't getting any.

A snicker from Ops caught Chakotay's attention and he shot a glare at Harry who sobered instantly. "If you don't have enough to do Ensign Kim, I'm sure I can find something for you."

"Uh no Commander. I'm fine thanks." Harry quickly ducked his head. Damnit Tom quit getting me into trouble. They are not in the mood for this today.

Sorry, I wasn't the one who snickered.

Just stating the facts hmm? So how do we get them in a better mood?

I suggest locking them in a turbolift together and throwing away the key. Raise the heat, make things really uncomfortable, and they'll work it out between them. Nothing like a little sex to put you in a better mood. And boy do they ever need it. Tom jumped as a hand clamped down on his shoulder.

"I suggest you mind your own business Mr. Paris. What happens between the Captain and myself is our business. Understand?"

Tom swallowed hard. "Yeah, sure Commander. It's just harmless chatter, we don't mean anything by it."

Chakotay glared at him. "It shows a distinct lack of respect for your senior officers."

Tom took one look at Chakotay's face and decided to take a risk. "Personally Commander, I think it shows that we care about you enough to worry about your sudden mood swings. Granted the speculation is a bit disrespectful, but we meant no harm. I think you really need to loosen up Chakotay and tell her how you feel before you both turn into bitter, regretful old people. Take a stand man."

The storm clouds in Chakotay's eyes darkened even more. "You are out of line Ensign. Your relieved of duty."

Tom blinked, shocked. "Commander, you can't do that."

"I can and I am. Remove yourself from the bridge. I'll arrange a meeting with the Captain to discuss disciplinary action."

"Commander?" Harry was surprised at Chakotay's reaction. Tom had of course stepped over the line, but he had done nothing to be relieved of duty.

Chakotay shot a glare at Harry. "I suggest you tend your duties Mr. Kim or you will join him."

Harry blinked, then pushed away from Ops and headed for the turbolift. "As you like it Commander."

As both Ensigns left the bridge, Chakotay turned it over to Tuvok and headed for his office. As he sank into his chair he dropped his head into his hands. Great, just great. Chakotay had no sooner started writing up his report on the situation when the chime to his door went off. He closed his eyes for a moment. "Come." He wasn't surprised to see Kathryn standing there, glaring down at him. He tipped his head to acknowledge her. "Captain."

"What in the hell did you think you were doing relieving to of my bridge officers of their duty?"

Standing, Chakotay rested his hands on the desk top and leaned forward until their faces practically touched. "Oh gee, I don't know Captain. Possibly handling a couple of disrespectful Ensigns who have lost so much respect for us that they speculate on our love life, or lack there of on a public communication line, and then have the balls to say it to my face when I recommend that they mind their own damn business. Of course, since you had no qualms about screwing your first officer in the holodeck with no privacy protocols in place, I can't see how them discussing your sex life would bother you."

Kathryn flushed red then went ghostly pale. "I can't believe you are such a bastard Chakotay. I finally give in and give you what you want and you treat me like some kind of whore. You disappoint me."

He reached out suddenly snagging her arms and dragging her across the desk and into his arms.. "I disappoint you Kathryn? Well la de da. You've disappointed me as well. All these years I've loved you, stayed by your side and supported you, asking for nothing damn you, nothing but the chance to be your friend, and you take my emotions and use them against me. Just like a damn whore. A quick fling to satisfy your need and then you cast me aside like a dirty rag. Damn it I loved you, still do though I can't even begin to understand why, and I played the fool last night. I made love to you against my better judgement. I gave you all the reasons we shouldn't and then allowed you to convince me we should. I hoped with everything in my heart that you wanted me for me. Instead you just wanted me for sex."

Kathryn blinked back the tears and tried to ignore the sore spots on her body from his manhandling. She knew she should be angry. Every part of her was furious at the way he was treating her, and yet, so much in her could understand where he was coming from. She had used him, hoping that she could experience heaven in his arms just once and then walk away. What had she been thinking? As she sagged against him, he fell back into his seat. "I'm sorry Chakotay. I never meant… I… This is why I could never give into my feelings before." She raised a hand, caressing his cheek. "I did want you for you. I do want you for you." Her eyes closed and silent tears slipped down her cheeks. "Gods Chakotay I have wanted you for so long, and it was heaven to be in your arms. Then it was over and all of a sudden the magnitude of what I had done overwhelmed me. I was afraid that I had altered our relationship so severely that I would never be able to get back what I might have lost. I reacted the only way I knew how. I ran. And, when you wouldn't let me run, I struck out. I am sorry Chakotay, but I don't know what to do, where to go. I'm so afraid that I've screwed this up that it's killing me inside. I want you. I want to be with you, but I just don't know how."

He pulled her closer, shifting her until she was cradled tenderly in his lap. His arms curved around her, holding her tight and her rested his chin on the top of her head. "I'm sorry I struck out too. I was way out of line, but the thought of just being a sex toy blew my mind. I want it all Kathryn, or nothing. I can't walk away from you and I'm not sure that I can allow things to go back the way they were." He kissed the top of her head and hugged her tighter. "I'm willing to follow your lead here, but I'm not willing to let you go. I'm not even certain I can give you the time you need. You see," he cupped her face and tipped it up so that he could look in her eyes. "I've had a taste of heaven, and I want to sample it again and again. Give us a chance Kathryn, please?"

She curled her hands around his neck and kissed his chin. "Ah Chakotay… With you by my side, I think we could probably do anything."

His eyes gleamed and he shifted her again, this time so she straddled his lap. "I know we can, as long as we want to try. Shall we try then Kathryn?"

She nodded slowly and pulled his head down for a kiss. This one was strangely gentle, searching for the truth in the embrace, tentative and exploratory. When it ended she sighed and pressed her face against his chest. "I may not have been acting rationally last night Chakotay, but I can't say I made all the wrong choices." Her eyes met his once more. "I've wanted to make love with you for a very long time. I'm glad we finally did."

He hugged her to him yet again. "So am I Love, so am I. But next time, I want to know that it's right, for both of us."

Her hand slid down his chest and lightly brushed over his arousal. "I don't think that will be a problem, do you."

Chakotay grinned as he caught her hand and brought it up to his mouth, kissing it. "It better not be." He slid her off his lap and helped her to stand. "Now, go before you start something you won't be able to finish."

The look in her eyes went from mild surprise to pure mischief as she sidled up against. "I think I can handle everything you have to offer."

He captured her mouth in a quick kiss before pushing her toward the door. "I don't doubt that my love, but unless you want to handle it flat on your back on my desk, I suggest you leave."

He groaned as she shot the desk a speculative look and ran her hand over the smooth surface. "I'm game if you are."

With a sudden movement he had her back in his arms. After securing the privacy lock on his door, he proceeded to show her how game he actually was.

Fin~  maybe

Kat's Fanfic

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