Standard Disclaimers: Paramount's toys, my toy box. I'll send 'em home when their folks holler.
* This is a companion piece to Anything. It has been a long time in coming. I had wanted to write it around the same time I wrote Anything, but I could not get it to flow. The other day I was in my car and played this CD again, and since it had been so long since I had listened to it, it evoked similar images to Anything. After that, it really began to flow. So here you go. Perhaps I can come up with a sequel to wrap the whole thing up. Enjoy, and thanks for the support.
The following lyrics are from the song Grind Me in the Gears by Edwin McCain off the CD Misguided Roses.
PG-13
Anything At All
I'm holding my last breath/ It's burning in my lungs/ Clenching up my eyes
Bloody up my tongue/ for the words that might escape/ Are ringing in my ears
Grinds me to a pulp, grind me in gears
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Arrrrrggggghhhhh... I hate men! Actually that's not quite true. I hate tattoo wielding, dark eyed angry warriors. Oh face it Kathryn, you don't hate him, that's the problem. Chakotay... He is just so... I can't make him understand. I can't bend or give into to our wants. I can't sacrifice Starfleet protocols just because I desire my first officer. It's just not possible. not that he ever says anything or shows in any overt way that he loves me, but it's there. It's apparent in his eyes for all to see. The love there rattles the carefully structured walls of my defenses as surely as a battering ram. So what do I do, I pull even further into myself, denying us both because I just can't stand the thought of us hurting each other again. That's the whole problem isn't it. We hurt each other. I hurt him. Things were so beautiful. He gave me this wonderful possiblity of a dream on New Earth, and then we were rescued and I was forced to once more become the Captain. There were so many nights I wished I had given in, slipped into his sleeping area and made love to him all night long, at a time when it was just us. Just Kathryn and Chakotay... It didn't happen though. I'm too stubborn, too cautious. Now there is no chance of Kathryn or Chakotay. They don't exist anymore. It was close there for a while. Casual touches that turned into carress, late night dinners where we just sat and talked about nothing important, him screaming at me to live... but I took care of that. I played it off and down, ignoring the obvious and hiding. Then there was that one instant when all the dynamics changed. The Borg came and I was so scared that I would let them all down... So afraid that I wouldn't be able to pull them through. Through the beginning Chakotay was so supportive, so wonderful that I think if we had not been interrupted I would have kissed him, made love to him right there in my ready room. It wasn't meant to be... We struck out at each other. He refused to trust me, to believe that it would all work out, that it had to work out. That hurt. I was so accustomed to his blind faith that his refusal to give it was a slap in the face. I knew than that I was right, that a personal relationship would destroy us. We came to a truce, unsteady though it was, and we each found other things to occupy our time. I had Seven to integrate into our crew and he had things. There were times though that I almost gave in, times I broke the carefully laid protocols to have him by my side as more than a First Officer, but then I would remember and pull back.
But now, now he goes too far. We have been locked in these negotiations for weeks. The Imtak are the most argumentative people I have ever met, but they can literally restock Voyager from stem to stern. The actual negotiations are done, thank the spirits, but there is just so much that needs to be done. Chakotay has been a pain in the ass since we finished with the trade. He even went so far as to track me down in a jefferies tube and threaten to have me relived of duty if I didn't take a break. How can Itake a break? Sure I've got capable people to take care of the work, but I am the Captain, and I have to make sure it's right, so that they are safe and I can get them home. My responsiblity... He'll back down eventually. Doesn't he realize that I'm tired and I want to rest, but there just isn't enough time. Damn stubborn man!
~~~~~~~
I'm holding my last breath/ It's burning in my lungs/ Clenching up my eyes
Bloody up my tongue/ for the words that might escape/ Are ringing in my ears
Grinds me to a pulp, grind me in gears
~~~~~~~~~
I can't believe him! How the hell does he think he is waltzing in here and telling me what to do. I'll bust him down to ensign and make him clean the damn hull without a suit. I give him my worst glare, and he just looks at me with this totally blank stare. I can't stop myself. I'm so damn angry I could kill him. The coffee cup in my hand trembles in my rage. "How dare you relieve me of duty? You bastard! Get the hell out of my ready room." Before I can think, the cup is flying across the room and coffee is dripping of his uniform. I storm around my desk looking for something else to throw, hoping that coffee is really uncomfortable.
"I ought to take you over my knee ,just like the errant child you're behaving like."
What?!!! Who the hell? "Don't even!"
He just shook his head at me. I think he's probably as surprised he said it as I am. "Throw your fit, Kathryn, and rant all you like. But, as of this moment, you are officially relieved of duty."
He turned and walked away! I can't believe he's walking away. "Don't turn your back on me, Chakotay! This is not finished!" He is still leaving! How can he? I'll kill him!
~~~~~~~~~~
I've seen all the faces/ They mirror me/ And I've felt the tearing
Tearing of the teeth/ I've given up my ghosts/ Barely breath your name
~~~~~~~~~~
"ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!" The bastard! I can't think of anything except making him hurt the way he's hurting me. Doesn't he understand? I can't have him so this is all I have! He paused a moment... but... he is moving again, away from me, away from us... How can I make him understand. My thoughts are so scattered, before I know it I've tackled him to the ground and am wrestling for control. "This is my ship! I won't allow you to relieve me!" I am not match for him though. Before long he has me pinned beneath him. Gods he feels so good to me. I wish I could hold him there forever. I can't though and I pull myself together and offer my fiercest glare once more. A change comes over him. I can feel it, see it. He wants to kiss me. Oh Chakotay please don't. Please... his mouth closes over mine and all thought is lost.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Offer up myself/ Pray you'll do the same/ For the love that might escape
Well that's our biggest fear/ Grinds me to a pulp, grinds me in the gears.
~~~~~~~~~~~
He pulls away, why? I can't help myself, I feel his loss so keenly. All I want is for him to kiss me again, to assure me, to tell me he loves me.
"I love you, Kathryn."
Oh Chakotay... I can barely speak. "I love you too." His eyes are shocked as they meet mine. This is a surprise to him? How? I must have done a better job than I thought. I let him see everything in my eyes, conveying my need, my love. He kisses me again. This time it's our kiss.
~~~~~~~~~~
So here we sit on the couch in my ready room. He is sitting in the corner and I'm between his raised knees. I feel so safe, secure. He keeps hugging me. I think he's not sure if I'm real or not. Maybe, like me, he's afraid he'll wake up and it will all be a dream. I love it that he can't stop touching me, it's not all sexual, just my hair, my arms. It makes me feel so special. We have been here for hours, talking and sorting out our lives. He's not going to relive me if I promise to get some rest. Maybe I'll invite him to join me, make sure I do, or don't, depending on how you look at it. I really don't know how I've managed to deny him this long, why I've put both our lives on hold. No more. Anything Chakotay wants from me is his. Anything at all.
Fin~