Anything

Standard Disclaimers: Paramount's toys, my toy box. I'll send 'em home when their folks holler.

The following lyrics are from the song Grind Me in the Gears by Edwin McCain off the CD Misguided Roses.

PG-13

This is Chakotay's POV.

Anything

I'm holding my last breath/ It's burning in my lungs/ Clenching up my eyes

Bloody up my tongue/ for the words that might escape/ Are ringing in my ears

Grinds me to a pulp, grind me in gears

~~~~~~~~~

She is so damn stubborn! I swear we fight nearly every time we see one another. Sometimes I don't know what I want more, to kiss her or to strangle her. When did we come to this point? I keep searching the past, trying to find the exact point of conflict. I think it started, really started back when we returned from New Earth and all those damn protocols were flung back in my face. Still, I tried. I tried to be everything she needed and wanted. The perfect friend and First Officer. I think it worked for a while. I even got to the point where I could watch her without the hurt reflecting in my gaze. I actually made it to the point where I didn't imagine her beneath me as we made love, picture her gazing up at me with love, dream of kissing her right there on the bridge. Then we encountered the Borg. Sweet Blessings, but I almost took her, right there in her ready room. The expression on her face, the sincerity of her tone, the look in her eyes, and that delicate touch. All those images came crashing down at once and I ached to hold her. And then THE FIGHT. How that damn incident changed everything. She looked at me with wounded eyes and stabbed me with my own words. She changed in that instance from the woman I loved, and the Captain I respected, into this mean spirited, temperamental bitch. She wouldn't even listen to me. I knew what could happen, expected it. By all that's holy, I had been connected to them. I KNEW. And she wouldn't listen. Of course it ended in her favor, thank the spirits. And so we sat, on this rocky ground of our once beautiful relationship. This last year has been hell. We have traveled away from the Borg, lost one of our most valued crew, and survived one experience after another. Both of us have dealt with our problems apart rather than together as we use to. I have been absorbed in my torment between my longing for her, and my hell with the Vori. Gods, I wish we had a counselor. She has been dealing with the newest addition. Our resident mommy, who heals all. What does that make me I wonder? Then, there were the letters from home. She almost admitted the possibility of our being together. I wanted so much to hold her and comfort her. Fool that I am, I'll take her anyway I can get her. Why else do I follow her around like a little lost puppy? Pathetic is what it is, I am. I should move on and leave her to her damn protocols. But I regress, things started to heal between us. With the Omega directive I expected a fight, but she capitulated. I was amazed. It was then I began to notice how tired she was. Then, our hopes were dashed once again. A rescue from home. Yeah, right. The only good thing that came from that was a subtle change between her and Seven. A new understanding.

Now we are at war again, she and I. This time it's more personal. We're fighting about her health. She's exhausted and temperamental. She's lost weight and not sleeping. We've been in negotiations for weeks with an alien race known as the Imtak. They literally have everything we need to restock and revamp Voyager. But the haggling wears on all of us, especially her. We have finally got everything settled, and have begun repairs and restock. The crew is taking a much needed shore leave. But, I can't get her to relax. She's constantly climbing around in jefferies tubes or going over reports. I tried cajoling, that didn't work. Now I've moved to threats. She told me to mind my own damn business. I finally threatened to bring the Doc and Tuvok in on it. I thought she was going to explode. I threatened to relieve her of duty, and she told me to go to hell. She also threatened to deactivate the Doc. I couldn't believe her. If that wasn't proof that she needed a break, I don't know what is. Damn stubborn woman! I don't know why I bother anymore. Perhaps I'll let her work herself into exhaustion, and then she'll have no choice. I think maybe I will strangle her after all. It's time to bring in the heavy guns.

~~~~~~~~~

My frozen spirit aches/ I slip another day/ Start to lose my grip

Find another way/ For the life that might escape/ Has been echoing for years

Grind me to a pulp, grind me in the gears

~~~~~~~~~

Her face radiated fury. I probably should have waited until later, perhaps confronted her in her quarters. Why can't she understand that I do this for her and the crew? I have really got it bad. I could barely stand to look at her. She kept alternating between the glare of death, and total disbelief.

"How dare you relieve me of duty? You bastard! Get the hell out of my ready room."

I was shocked! She actually threw her coffee cup at me. Fool that I am, I didn't even duck. There I was, standing with coffee dripping down my uniform. It was cold too, dammit. Stubborn little witch. She was actually throwing a fit. I aught to take you over my knee, just like the errant child you're behaving like. Damn! I guess I shouldn't have spoken that out loud. Her face was priceless.

"Don't even!"

I shake my head in frustration. "Throw your fit, Kathryn, and rant all you like. But, as of this moment, you are officially relieved of duty." I turned and walked away.

"Don't turn your back on me, Chakotay! This is not finished!" Her rage radiated in visible waves. I thought for a moment she was going to hit me. I almost wanted her to. Perhaps it would have released those emotions she tries to hide. I just walked away.

~~~~~~~~~~

I've seen all the faces/ They mirror me/ And I've felt the tearing

Tearing of the teeth/ I've given up my ghosts/ Barely breath your name

~~~~~~~~~~

The short scream stopped me. I have never heard her scream. It was a combination of rage, frustration, exhaustion, and betrayal. There is nothing between us. She has denied it for so long that I don't care anymore. I don't want to care. I am her First Officer and I am doing this for the ship. I imagine if I keep telling myself this, I might actually believe it. I don't turn, I can't look at her. I start forward again, only to be knocked off my feet as that solid little body collides with me.

"This is my ship! I won't allow you to relieve me!"

A short tussle ensued. She's good, but tired. I'm better, stronger. She is no match for me. I rolled her under me and pinned her to the floor. She growled, struggled, and cursed. My mind tried to prepare words to calm her, to settle things. All I could think about was how soft she was, how she fit me perfectly, how much I wanted to kiss her. I did.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Offer up myself/ Pray you'll do the same/ For the love that might escape

Well that's our biggest fear/ Grinds me to a pulp, grinds me in the gears.

~~~~~~~~~~~

She stiffened under me. I couldn't help myself. I pulled myself from her mouth. Gods, that sweet mouth! I rested my forehead against hers. "I love you, Kathryn."

"I love you too." The words were whispered, so quiet, I wasn't sure they were real. I looked at her, eyes met eyes. What I saw there shocked me. I saw everything I felt and desired reflected back at me. I kissed her again, releasing her hands to pull her closer. This time her arms wrapped around my neck and her fingers twined in my hair. Bliss, pure bliss.

~~~~~~~~~~~

So here we sit, on the couch in her ready room. I am leaning back in the corner, and she is sitting between my raised knees. I have my arms around her. I can't stop hugging her, stroking her hair, and kissing the top of her head. We have been here for hours, talking, hashing things out, finally. I have decided not to relieve her from duty and she has agreed to take some time off. It seems we have both been fighting and denying ourselves for too long. We are not lovers yet, but there is time. I don't know how I could have doubted and denied my role in her life. I would do anything for her, be anything for her. Anything my Kathryn needs of me, I will provide. As long as I know she's by my side, I can face anything. We can face anything, together.

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