Child of Dreams
I know that you're hiding things, Using gentle words to shelter me.
Your words were like a dream. But dreams could never fool me,
Not that easily.
1000 Words by Koda Kumi
Chapter 10
Back at the shuttle, Jonathan still tried to make sense of what he’d seen. He sat at one of the benches, turning it over and over, sometimes silently, sometimes out loud. His gaze was tortured as he looked up at T’Pol. “How do I know this isn’t some kind of warped dream? What if the only thing true is when I think I’m dreaming? What if that truth is trying to bring me back to myself? It would explain a lot. It would mean none of this is real.” He stood and paced around the cramped confines of the shuttle. “This could all be some sort of plot to make me do something. Though what, I don’t know.” He sank back into the seat and sighed.
“I can not imagine what you are going through Jonathan, and I have no way of convincing you this is real. What I can help you do is find answers. I won’t leave you alone in this.”
His eyes met hers and his throat tightened. “I still feel the occasional twinge of pain from my back. The scars are there for you to see. The temple is there, and I know every room. I could lead you to the beach I played on with my children. But I just can’t wrap my mind around all this. I can’t define what is real and what is not. You found me here!”
She knelt in front of him and rested a hand on his knee. She was touching him a lot more than she was used to. It unsettled her, but it seemed right and something he needed. “As soon as the storm lets up, we will send a message to the ministry. We will see what they can tell us of this temple. We will find out more about the group that attacked us. Then we will go back to the temple ruins and we will search them and the beach for signs of your children.”
He shook his head, exhaustion pulling at him. “Children you say I should not have.” His eye closed briefly. “How long have we known each other T’Pol?”
“Six years.”
“Six years... my Meyah is four. The twins are three and little Henry is almost two... Have we always served with one another? Been friends?”
“We have served together all of those six years Jonathan, and have been friends for most of them.”
“I’ve never been married or in a long term relationship?”
“You’ve never married. You’ve told about some of your past relationships though. As far as I know, you chose Enterprise and Starfleet over anything permanent.”
“I remember holding each of my children at birth. I remember naming them. I remembered you as their mother. Why do you suppose I would do that if we have never been anything more than friends? How can I remember something that never happened?”
“I honestly don’t know.”
Her hand tightened on his knee and he covered it with his own. He studied the differences in texture, color, size. How could his children look so like her, remind him of her if she wasn’t their mother? Because they were just a figment of his imagination and his imagination had filled in the holes with things that were familiar? With things he wanted? He rubbed his hand over hers, filling his senses with the feel and smell of her. Perhaps his loss of memory was allowing him to recognize things he had buried under friendship and protocol and he was allowing those things to reign, using them to build relationships that didn’t exist. His eyes closed again. His children had felt this real too, had smelled and sounded just as real. His heart ached at the thought that they might not exist. It brought him back to his earlier question. If he could not trust the things he knew, the things he had seen and felt, how could he discern what was true and what was dream? It all made his head hurt. His eyes opened as she moved, her hand shifting under his. His eyes locked with hers once more. There was a pull there, honesty, empathy, a connection. Someone you can trust... He raised his hand from hers and cupped her cheek. “Did you ever wonder if we could be something more than friends? Did you ever want to be?”
She stood quickly, breaking the contact. “It is illogical to dwell on such things. We have a strong friendship and a good working relationship. These things are important in the running of a starship.” She turned away from him to further denial.
He stood, placing his hands on her shoulders, trying to keep that connection with her. “It doesn’t all have to be logic. I think I’ve wanted more with you, I think for a long time. I think I’ve felt it, dreamt it...and buried it under a mountain of... heaven only knows what? Protocol? Propriety? I think my loss of memory has freed my emotion, heightened my attachment to you.” He turned her gently to face him. “Don’t you see? I remembered you, your name, before I remembered my own. I dreamt of you first, knew you before anything. I knew what you would feel like under my hands and what you would taste like when I kissed you... and when I kissed you, it was exactly as I knew it would be.” His eyes flickered to her mouth. “I want you to be my friend, but I want you to be my mate, my lover. I want to kiss you again.”
The soft sound she made could have been shock, denial or acquiescence. He chose to take it as the last, and laid his mouth gently over hers.
T’Pol melted into him. His kiss was every bit as overwhelming as it had been the first time. Emotion rolled off him in waves and she absorbed it into herself. Love was the strongest, followed by desire. His lips moved over hers with a combination of patience and need. He sipped at her lips as if he were thirsty and only she could sustain him, and yet it was as though he wanted to savor each taste for eternity and had forever to do so. It both thrilled her and frightened her, because it made her want things she thought she had shelved a long time ago. It was her own need, the wash of emotion she felt that helped her pull away. She pushed herself gently away from him, dropping her forehead to his shoulder. The last time she had experimented so much with emotion had taught her several valuable lessons, none of which she was certain she wanted to replay. It took her a moment, but she finally spoke, her words somewhat muffled against his shoulder. “I think we should wait until your memory returns before we pursue this any further. I would not want you to act in haste and regret it later.”
His hands slid up and down her arms in a comforting motion. One moved around to cup her chin, encouraging her to look up at him. When her eyes met his, he spoke. “I can not see regretting anything I do with you, and my memories may never come back, but I can see you aren’t completely with me on this and I can wait.”
She took a slow step back from him and then another, feeling slightly cold as his arms left her. “You are confused and highly emotional right now Jonathan. It would be for the best.”
He studied her for a long moment and sighed. “Perhaps you are right. You think maybe I’m holding tighter to you because you seem real for the moment; or I’m using you to help me deal with the loss of my children... a port in the storm?” At her nod, he continued. “I may be, to some extent, T’Pol. I may not know what is physically real, but I do know how I feel, and loving you seems... right.” He reached out and lightly stroked her arm. “I can’t say I won’t push occasionally... I like kissing you too much, but I can wait until you are ready.”
Her eyes flickered to his, then back to the floor, in a move that seemed almost shy. “I... thank you.”
Taking a seat, he motioned her to do the same. “Tell me about our crew and our mission.”
“Alright.”