Standard Disclaimer's apply. Paramount's the King, I'm just a peon playing in the courtyard. I promise to let them keep all the treasury.
This is another of those song inspired stories (cringe). All I can say is the Cat made me do it. This is dedicated to all those readers who write and encourage me to continue. Thanks! You know who you are. Enjoy!!!
Lyrics are from the album Surfacing by Sarah McLachlin, song is I Love You.
I have a smile/ stretched from ear to ear/ to see you walking down the road
Or meet at the lights/ I stare for a while/ the world around us disappears
It just you and me/ on my island of hope/ the breath between us could be miles
Let me surround you/ I see to your shore/ Let me be the calm you seek
Every time I'm close to you/there is too much I can't say/ and you just walk away
And I forgot/ to tell you I love you/ And now its too long/ and cold here without you
I grieve in my condition/ for I cannot find the words to say I need you so.
PG
Too late. I don't need to turn to know he has entered the room. I can feel him with every breath in me. I close my eyes, trying to capture his essence, to gain control before I lose it all. I am the Captain. I am the Captain. My eyes open, and he is there standing in front of my chair, smiling down on me. I can't help myself, it just blooms. I smile, joy flowing through me at his presence. He wishes us all a pleasant evening, but his eyes lock with mine. Then he leaves to make his rounds.
My eyes follow him as he moves. Graceful, silent. Like a true warrior. I still remember the legend. How I held myself from him, I'll never know. Each glimpse, each smile, every flash of those dimples, is like food to a starving man. Or woman I should say. They sustain me. I have made the rules, armed the fortress, and I am miserable. Not that I'd let them see, let him see. I know the mask is in place, but I can't help but wonder what they see. I can't help myself. I eagerly await every moment I see him. I watch everything, his walk, his gestures, his expressions. He returns and joins the conversation. I can't help but watch his mouth as it moves. Am I being obvious. My mind screams at me to leave, not to break protocols. My heart screams back "to hell with protocols." Who do I listen to? Indecision keeps me in place, and the Captain keeps me from doing anything I regret. But I regret...
Every once in a while, I reach out. I have to touch him. I see the awareness flare in his eyes. He wants me every bit as much as I want him. I'm stronger, or is it more stubborn. Damn these protocols that lock me here. Sometimes I forget who I am, and then the need flares out of control. I wish. Gods, how I wish. I've denied us for so long, I don't know how to tell him. I had better find myself again. No matter how much I want, I can't have and so I had better forget.
He stands suddenly. "Kathryn, dance with me." It is neither a request nor a command, but something in between. I can't help myself, I agree. The chance to be in his arms is overpowering, the Captain sinks beneath the need. I curl close as our bodies sway to the music. I could be happy here. The smell of him, the feel of him curled around me. Its like there is nothing but us here. I could live like this forever. He pulls me tighter as the music stops, then lets me go. I have to tell him, now. "Chakotay....I....Thank you for the dance." I step away. I don't know how to tell him. Perhaps its too late anyway. I hope that's not hurt in his eyes. He gives me a sad smile.
"Goodnight Captain."
"Goodnight Commander." I can't help stop myself from reaching out to him as he walks away. It's no use. There can be nothing here. I know this and yet, I still want. Cursing my own conflicted nature, I bid the crew goodnight and return to my quarters. Maybe, someday.
Loneliness has a way of creeping up on you when you least want it. I stand here, staring out my window, watching the stars pass. Watching my life pass. What is so damn wrong with wanting someone to love and to be loved? What idiot made these stupid rules to begin with? Oh, I understand the potential for problems. If things go wrong between us, then there is no easy out. To hell with all of this. I need him, I want him, and if he'll have me, I'll take him.
"Janeway to Chakotay"
"Go ahead"
"I need to speak with you immediately. Its important. Location?"
"My quarters."
"On my way" You can do this Kathryn. I have faced numerous enemies, fought unthinkable odds, but this man has the power to reduce me to a mass of fearful nerves.
The door opens immediately to my presence. I can't think. What to say? How do I tell him? He watches me, questionly. His eyes reflect his concern, and something else. I don't know what to say. JUST SAY IT! My heart is pounding. I take a step back. "I'm sorry, Commander. It wasn't as important as I thought." His face is filled with confusion. "Kathryn?" Why do I feel so cold, uncertain? The emptiness of my life tears at me. Gods! This is my life why can't I tell him. Closing my eyes, I say it in my mind as I turn to leave. *I love you!*
I don't make it to the door. His arms wrap around me, pulling me close. His head dips toward my ear. "I never thought to hear those words from you. I love you, too." I realize then I must have spoken out loud. A weight is lifted from my shoulders. I turn toward him and frame his face with my hands. "I never thought to say them, but they're true. I'm afraid, Chakotay. Where do we go from here?"
"Anywhere you want, as long as we move forward."
I nod as he leans forward to kiss me. His lips are warm and sweet and so absorbing. I am safe and home and loved. I have a future, and he is in my arms.
My Fanfic
Copyright © 1998 Catherine Lee