All right, I was in an odd mood when I wrote this. It was an idea I toyed with for a while, but couldn't get to work. Then dark inspiration. This story has taken a lot of work and thought. I am warning all readers, there is angst here. Also there is only a little J/C, it's there, just not a lot.

This story is dedicated to a handful of people who offered suggestions, support and threats. This one is for Pop, who was my sounding board before the story was started. This is also for Michelle, who took time out of her busy schedule to give me ideas and ask questions. Finally, this is for Ghostie, who encouraged me to write it, Ren for wondering where I was going, and Kadith who threatened, um, I mean encouraged me to finish it. My greatest thanks to all my friends and family for helping me with this project. You guys are the best.

Disclaimers: As if we really needed these: Some of the characters belong to Paramount (actually, most belongs to them), some are mine. No money for me.

NC-17 Nothing too descriptive, but it is there on occasion, and the rating is better safe than sorry.

***** Designates time switch

Decisions

She glanced around the bridge. Despair filled her as the realization of what she held and how she had gained it echoed through her mind. Death. Everywhere. The smell seemed to permeate the air, even though the bodies of the deceased were gone. Rage filled her. She didn't want this, not at this cost. Eyes closing with frustration, she looked around again. They were studying her expectantly, waiting for her decision. She had no choice. There was no one else. Wanting nothing more than to curl up in a ball and die, she instead pulled all her courage to her. Everything that made her what she was drawn on. A decision had to be made. Slowly, she weighed age, experience, and character. After a long moment, she paused. Her decision was made. "Paris, you will remain at the helm. I need you there, you're the best pilot I've got . . . " *I can't do this!* Her mind screamed. She didn't want to make this decision. I didn't matter though. What she wanted was irrelevant, or so Seven would tell her. Again she took a deep breath. "Congratulations Mr. Kim, you are now Voyager's First Officer." His solemn "Aye, Captain" made her flinch. "I'll be in my ready room. I'll inform the rest of you of your duty assignments in one hour." With that, she turned and walked to the ready room. As soon as the doors closed behind her, she slumped against the wall. Tears poured down her cheeks and sobs tore from her throat. *Not now, Kathryn, not now!* Trying desperately to pull herself together, she stumbled over to the couch. Collapsing on it, she rested her head on the cool glass and gazed out at the starfield. Her hand clenching in grief and anger, twenty-six-year-old Kathryn Chakotay tried to understand the turn her life had taken, and accept her new responsibilities.

She was exhausted. There was no other word for it. As she slipped into a tub of hot water, she reflected back to the start of this disaster. Had it really only been a month ago that she had been a cheeky Lieutenant?. . .

********

"For she's a jolly good fellow that nobody can deny!"

"Congratulations Ryn! You've earned it."

"And she didn't even have to sleep her way to the top!"

"That's disgusting!"

"It's happened!"

"You're a pig, Paris!"

"Geez, you'd think after all these years you would come up with a new insult, Belle."

"I don't want to confuse you any more than you already are."

"Shut up!"

"Be nice kids, or I'll send you to bed."

"Sounds like a plan to me, Ryn."

"You really are a pig, you know that?"

"Would you guys knock it off, let's party instead?"

"What would you like me to knock off, Kim?"

"You are such a pervert. I don't know why I hang around you."

"Because we're best buds. Besides, we all know you try to live vicariously through me."

"Oh please! If you lived half the adventure you claimed, you'd be dead."

"You are a vicious woman, Lieutenant."

"That does sound cool, though, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, but don't count on too much more of a promotion. This ship doesn't have room for too many upgrades, if you know what I mean."

"That's cool. I'm just glad I outrank you, officially."

"You're a bitch."

"I try."

"Honestly! Can't you guys get along for even a little while? Shut up and dance with me, Owen Paris, before I hurt you."

"Sounds like fun, Naomi. Can we do both?"

With a shake of her head, the young Ensign Wildman dragged her partner out onto the dance floor. The young woman's move was quickly followed by several others of the Junior Grade. Voyager's children had developed that particular nickname when they decide to follow their parent's footsteps. They were used to it.

After her dance, Ryn returned to her table. She and the others loved this old Sandrine's program that Tom Paris had designed years ago. It was their favorite hang out. This was a wonderful place to grow up. Adventure, excitement, friends and family all on one ship. The only downside, was that the crew had been requested by the Captain to use birth control at all times. Unfortunately, it was a necessity. The Captain hated regulating reproduction on board ship, but there really was no choice. Voyager was almost at maximum capacity as it was. There were 247 people onboard ship. Approximately five years into Voyager's journey through the Delta quadrant, people began to marry and have children. Of course there were a few before that, but most people didn't make that move, until the Captain and her First Officer had pledged their vows in front of the crew. After that, all hell broke loose, and two years later, the baby boom began. Within a five-year period, over sixty children had been born. The average family had two kids, with the oddball, roaming around. Ryn herself, was the oldest of four. Her fiancé, Dare Kim, was an only child. With the massive baby boom. The Captain had regretfully placed a birth control edict. No more children were to be born unless the parents petitioned the Captain, and were given permission. On more than one occasion, Ryn had heard her parents discussing the issue. It really bothered them, because they had four children of their own. Ryn really wasn't too worried about the restrictions placed on them. Every place had rules, Voyager's were just a bit stricter sometimes.

The Firstborn, the oldest of Voyager's children, were the closest. Perhaps because they were almost all from the senior staff, with the exception of Naomi Wildman. She, being the oldest had somehow been included early on. These six children had been born before the boom. Ryn glanced around the room. Naomi was a petite, charming blond. She was the gentlest of their group. However, she had an interest in security and could be very aggressive and protective if necessary. Nothing was allowed to interfere with her friends or the ship.

Owen and Belle Paris were twins. The neat thing was, that they looked exactly like their parents. The only difference being the faint Klingon ridges on their brows, and Belle's hip length hair. Otherwise, it was just like looking at the chief engineer and her husband. Belle had an interest in engineering, and Owen loved to fly.

Lavek, had been born to Tuvok, and a Lavarian woman. Tuvok had gone through Ponn Far while Voyager was gathering supplies in the Lavarian system. He had met, and mated with an alien woman named Lanal. Unfortunately, she had not survived the birth of her son. Lavek had himself gone through the Ponn Far a few years ago, but his father had guided him with meditation, and he had survived. Lavek was an unusual man. He had his father's dark Vulcan looks and logic, but at times, his beautiful silver eyes gleamed with emotion. He had inherited his mother's ability to "see" into people. Some people call it intuition or even empathy, but it was much more. It was a rare and wonderful talent, and before he had learned to control it, it had gotten Ryn and the others into a lot of trouble. Lavek's interest ran to science, although he was pretty good with ships' systems.

Dare Kim was also the image of his father, however, he shared his mother's temperament and logic, as well as her blue eyes. Dare was pretty mellow for the most part, but he was also confident. He knew what he wanted, and he went after it. Somewhere along the line, he had developed an easy comradery with the crew. There was also a subtle joke on board Voyager. The joke being that if Tom Paris hadn't dared Harry Kim to ask Seven on a date, and locked them in the holodeck, Dare never would have been born, and Harry would still be denying his love for her.

Ryn, herself was a unique blend of the Captain and Commander. Her birth had been unexpected. However, the moment she was born, she was declared Kathryn Chakotay. Her parents stated that it was to avoid confusion. For her parents, Ryn was a blessing. The first, and only child they would have. Kathryn Janeway had always been adamant in her concerns about raising children in the Delta quadrant. However, the Captain found herself pregnant twice more. Ryn had her mother's stature and looks, and her father's eyes. She use to hate the auburn hair, and question her father as to why she couldn't look more like him. He had told her that she was special just as she was. When she had gotten older, she and her mother had a horrible fight. Being a teenager, she had said the first thing that came to mind. "I wish I looked like anyone but you!" Her mother's soft gasp of pain had frozen her in her steps, but young Ryn was hot tempered and stubborn. She had whirled away from her mother, and stormed into the bathroom. Grabbing a pair of scissors, she had off cut her long hair. Her father had walked into their quarters as Ryn had headed back to her mother. She threw the braid at her mother, and stomped off. "I want nothing of yours, ever!" With that, she had run into her room. Chakotay had come after her. Of course, he had let her stew a while, but he had eventually gone in. He had taken one look at her tear streaked face and pulled her in for a hug. "Want to tell me what happened?" Ryn had explained herself as best she could, defended her side. After she was done, he handed her the remains of her braid. "Your mother, chose you. No matter what you were, no matter what you became, your mother chose you. I was more selfish. In my prayers, and to your mother, I begged for a little girl just like my Kathryn. You are. From the moment of your birth, you have been a replica of your mother. I'm honored to find a bit of myself in there, but you are your mother's daughter. You can't change who you are, Ryn. Accept it, and move on. That's all you can do." He had hugged her, and then encouraged her to apologize to her mother. "Never let your anger keep you from your loved ones. You will regret it if you do." Somewhere along the line of her youth she had finally figured out her father's words and understood them. She did not always agree with her mother, but she learned how to argue diplomatically, and present her case. One thing that always remained steady about Kathryn Janeway was that if you could present enough information, you might actually change her mind. Ryn was automatically drawn to command. Her parents placed her in positions to make decisions. She became the leader of the Junior Grade, and excelled at her studies. She knew she was destined to be a Captain one day.

********

"Kim to Chakotay?" The insistent voice pulled her from her reflections. Ryn flinched as she moved, and the cold water lapped at her body. Dragging herself from the tub, she reached for a towel and her combadge.

"Go ahead"

"Captain? We have a problem in engineering. We need your help."

Sighing wearily, Ryn swiped a hand across her face. "I'll be right there."

She glanced at the chronometer as she dressed. Captain . . . she had officially been Captain for ten days, four hours, and thirteen minutes. Gods she didn't want this job. Not at this price . . .

********

Ryn was so excited. She had been on away teams before, but she had never led one. Granted, this planet was uninhabited, but she was still the leader. Her away team was made up of ten crew members. Five of them were Firstborn, all were Junior Grade.

"Can you believe this place, Ryn? It's fantastic. And we get to explore it first." Smiling at her younger sister, Ryn agreed.

"This is too cool, Phoebe. However, we need to get to work."

The young brunette stuck her tongue out. "Don't get too bossy, Lieutenant."

"Phoebe . . . " The tone was a warning.

"All right already . . . " The teasing was stopped as a scream rent the air.

Slapping her combadge, Ryn headed in the direction of the scream. "Chakotay to Voyager. We've got a problem down here." Her heart stopped as she came across her youngest sibling lying on the ground in convulsions. "Transporter room one, medical emergency, lock onto Kol Janeway and transport him to sickbay immediately."

Glancing around, she caught the eyes of her team. "Report!"

"He just screamed, and fell to the ground." Ryn looked around as other members of the team nodded. Suddenly, a sharp pain echoed through her body. Crying out in shock, she collapsed to the ground. As the tremors started, she noticed the others falling as well. Forcing her hand to her combadge, she managed one whispered plea before passing out. "Help!"

Kathryn Janeway was worried. Every member of the away team was in sickbay, suffering high fevers and convulsions. Three of them were her children. Walking up to the force field keeping them in quarantine, she studied the now silent forms. She wasn't the only parent there, and that made it worse. Her orders had placed these young people in danger. A strong hand came to rest on her shoulder. "It's not your fault, Kathryn. All our scans showed nothing harmful. Doc is still trying to figure out what is causing this." She just shook her head and leaned back into the strong form of her husband. They waited, together.

Ryn opened her eyes, to find her mother standing over her. She hurt like hell. "What happened?"

Kathryn stroked her daughter's hair from her face. "An airborne viral agent infected your body. You've all suffered from a high fever and convulsions. You've been unconscious for two days, but the Doctor says you should be back on your feet soon."

Tears threatened to spill as Ryn clenched her mother's hand. "I'm sorry, Captain. I let down you and my team. We should have noticed something in the scans. That's what we were there for."

Kathryn Janeway smiled sadly. "If you let us down, Ryn, then we did the same for you. Voyager should have detected the problem, before you went down."

"What are we going to do? We need those supplies. There isn't another available stop for weeks."

"I'm sending down another team, to get what we need. They'll just have to suit up and go through quarantine."

"I want to go back. I can handle it."

Kathryn patted Ryn's arm. "I know you can, but not this time. You get well. There will be other away missions. Rest now." Kissing her daughter's forehead, Kathryn moved to the next biobed and another of her children.

"See what happens when we leave you in charge?" Ryn's thoughtful gaze jerked to her sister.

"What do you want?"

"Geez Ryn, you're always so cranky when you don't feel good. Be careful or I'll put you to sleep."

"Go away Kes!"

"Tsk, tsk, that's no way to talk to your doctor."

"Shut up! You are not my doctor. Where is the old man anyway?"

The dark-haired girl shook her head and laughed. "He's working on some research. You really shouldn't call him that. He hates it."

"I know, but he won't choose a name, so we've got to call him something."

"Doctor, or Doc works pretty well."

"I prefer to be original."

"You already are." Kes' expression changed to one of concern. "How are feeling, really?"

"I feel like someone played soccer with my head, and the rest of me. I'll live though."

Kes laughed. "You are as bad as our parents. Try to get some rest." She placed a hypospray against Ryn's neck.

Ryn caught her sister's arm as she headed away. "Kes? How are the others?"

"Everyone seems to be doing well. I'll keep you updated, okay?"

********

Ryn wiped the sweat of her forehead. She hated working in the Jefferies tubes. They were hot, small, and uncomfortable. It didn't help that environmental controls was screwed up, too. Everyone qualified was working on something. Voyager was dead in space. They were hiding in a Nebula, hoping against hope, that their antagonists would leave them alone. To make things worse, she had teenagers manning the bridge. Gods, she hated this. How the mighty have fallen.

********

The members of the away team had gained their health back quickly. The doctor had found traces of the infection still in their systems, and despite everything, he was unable to neutralize it. It appeared harmless and noncontagious, so they were released to lite duty and told to report any problems. Four days later, they encountered the Tren.

They entered Voyager's scanning range during Delta Shift. Ryn and her crew were once again harassing each other as they worked, when the hail came in. "This is an emergency. To any vessel out there, we have a medical emergency and are in need of assistance."

Ryn wasted no time. "Bridge to the Captain"

"Go ahead"

"We are receiving a distress signal from an unknown vessel. Do you want to respond?"

"Yes. Get the necessary information and I'll be right there."

"Aye, Captain"

"Mr. Kim, open hailing frequencies. This is the Federation Starship Voyager, how may we be of assistance?"

"Thanks for your answer, Voyager. We are the Tren. Several days ago we ran into the Rol. They are a war faring race in this sector. Our ship was badly damaged, as were several of our crew. Can we possibly get medical assistance?"

"We will try to assist you any way we can. Please stand by, we are on our way."

"Dare?" Just as the young man was about to answer, the Captain, First Officer, and Chief of Security entered the bridge.

"Report"

"Captain, the distress signal is coming from a small vessel. The people are known as the Tren, and have been attacked by a warring species, the Rol. They are in need of medical assistance and possibly repairs." Ryn nodded to Dare.

"Scans of the vessel show severe damage to their warp core. Our scans were able to penetrate their shields. They appear humanoid."

"Was there any visual contact?"

"Negative, Captain, they barely have audio communications. Most of their systems seem to be down."

With a firm nod, Kathryn Janeway took command of the bridge. She quickly assigned tasks to the crew, and informed sickbay of the problem. She placed Ryn in charge of the away team to the alien vessel. Ryn was overjoyed. She was meant to take charge.

*******

A soft sigh escaped her as she stumbled into her quarters. So tired. All she wanted to do was sleep. Maybe forever. How had her mother done it? Thoughts of Kathryn Janeway forced tears to her eyes. Again she told herself that now was not the time, and wiped the tears from her face. It didn't work, and they continued to trickle as she striped off her uniform. Without adjusting the lights, she stumbled into the bathroom, and into the shower. As the hot spray rained down on her, the tears fell harder. Ryn slipped to the floor as great, racking sobs tore from her body. The grief, fear, and responsibility overwhelmed her. She lay there in the shower and allowed the heat and water to pour over her. She didn't hear the worried voice, or acknowledge the strong arms that reached in and encircled her. It was a long time before she was even aware of the hard, male body, holding her tight and rocking her in the bottom of the shower stall.

Slowly she became aware of the arms around her. For a moment she thought it was her father, and she nuzzled closer, imagining that she was a little girl again. Reality slapped her in the face, as she remembered that her father was dead. The tears began to fall again, as she thought of all the things that she wouldn't get to do with him. All the things she wouldn't be able to share.

"Ah Ryn, sweetheart, please. You're killing me. Come on, let's get you dried of and into bed." She allowed Dare to pull her to her feet, and towel her dry. She was like a child, finding comfort in anything she could. They way it always works when the world is turned upside down. Before she knew it, he had her tucked in and was pressing a kiss to her brow. He turned to leave. "Dare! Stay, please? Don't leave me!" He said nothing as he glanced down at the desperate face before him. Slowly, he removed his clothes, and climbed in next to, enfolding his body around hers, and pulling her close. For the first time in weeks, Ryn felt protected.

*******

In the end, Voyager had brought the Tren onboard. Their warp core had breached before Voyager had been able to do more than transport a few seriously wounded over. Transporters had been put into overdrive as they tried to save Tren lives. Out of 47 people, they were able to save 17. Ryn was furious at what she perceived as another failure. Resolutely, she helped the survivors to sickbay and, after checking with the Captain, she volunteered to help.

The Tren were a very friendly species. They were quite beautiful to Ryn. A tall, willowy people, with pale lavender skin and straight, flowing, dark purple hair. They looked very much like humans, and were pleasant and helpful. They thanked Voyager's crew for their assistance, and jumped in to help where they were needed. They also assured the crew that their people would be willing to trade when they arrived at their home world. The Captain was more than willing to give them a lift, especially since their planet was on the route Voyager was following. Everything seemed fine, until one of the Tren became ill. The symptoms were similar to the Junior Grades' reaction to the virus. The Doc quickly placed the affected Tren in quarantine, but it was too late. The virus swept through Voyager, quickly incapacitating her crew. Sickbay became so overcrowded, that patients were staying in their quarters. Everyone capable was pulling medical duty or replacing sick crew. Then, the virus mutated, and Voyager's crew began to die. The virus was swift, and deadly. Within twenty-four hours, the victim was dead. Nothing Doc did helped. The only members unaffected were the Firstborn. Doc quickly surmised that the original virus had provided antibodies against the deadlier strain. Using everything he could think of, Doc produced a vaccine and quickly inoculated as many of the crew as he could. By this time, Voyager had already lost a third of her crew. Despite the vaccine, several of the crew were still affected. The vaccine didn't stop the virus, however it did give the crew a fighting chance. By the end of the week, even more of the crew was lost, including most of the senior staff. For some reason, the oldest crew members were hit the hardest. Voyager was devastated. Ryn was helping her parents man the bridge, when her father collapsed. Fear ripped through her as her mother knelt beside him. Tapping her combadge, she requested emergency transport to sickbay. Six hours later, Ryn and her siblings sat in sickbay, surrounding their father, and saying their goodbyes. Two days later, the same scene was played again, this time with their mother. With her last breath, Kathryn Janeway gave her oldest daughter command of the ship. The bodies of the deceased had been destroyed, and their molecules scattered in space. Grief was put on hold as the crisis continued. Finally, the dying stopped, and by the time they had reached the nearest M-class planet, the home of the Tren, the exhausted crew was slowly overcoming the disease. After five days of no death or infection, the Doctor declared the crisis over. The crew then began to try to rebuild their lives.

********

Ryn shifted. She was startled awake by the feel of a warm body pressed to hers. Turning slowly she faced the man in her bed. Slowly, afraid to wake him, she traced his cheek with her fingers. Warm blue eyes melded with hers. Leaning forward, Ryn kissed him. At his eager response, she pressed her body to his. Dare broke the kiss. Pulling back, he gazed at her lovingly. His fingers traced her cheek. "Are you sure, Ryn?" She pulled him closer, her lips barely touching his.

"Make me feel again, Dare. Please?"

He couldn't resist her plea, and pulled her back into his embrace. Every caress, every kiss, a pledge of love. As their bodies and hearts merged, the pain disappeared, and life was, once again filled with hope.

********

Of all the original members of the crew, only a small percentage survived. B'Elanna Paris, Seven, Neelix, the Doctor, and four others. A meeting of all the personnel was held in the mess hall. Voyager had landed on Tren, and had arranged for supplies. Before taking off again, some decision had to be made. Ryn was more than ready to hand over command to any of the senior officers. However, crew opinion was quite different. Out of 247 individuals, 111 were left. The senior staff presented the case, and the crew voted. Everyone, including the children. All of Voyager's children were over the age of ten, and most, were over the age of eighteen. Glancing around at the ragtag ensemble, Ryn nearly cried. She was now one of the oldest members of the crew. Both B'Elanna and Seven had refused command of Voyager. They both stated that they were needed elsewhere. Every one of the senior staff had a reason for refusing command. The worst part about it, was that Ryn could understand and appreciate their logic. There were two votes that day. The first was whether or not to continue their journey. As most of the crew had been born in space, they couldn't seem to take to the idea of settling down. To honor their parents, Voyager would continue on course to the Alpha Quadrant. The second vote was on who would be in command. The crew voted unanimously on Kathryn Chakotay. Though she tried to refuse, she wasn't allowed. She had been trained from birth to command. She was the logical choice. Her heart breaking, she accepted her mother's pips. It was then left to her to choose a First Officer. The following decisions, were the hardest she would ever make. Two and a half weeks after her promotion to lieutenant, Kathryn Chakotay took over as Captain, and ordered Voyager back into the stars. Four days later, they encountered the Rol.

The Rol reminded Ryn of the lessons about the Borg. They were abrupt, insistent. "We are the Rol, you will surrender yourselves and your ship. Resistence is death."

Shock echoed through her. Even through her grief, something snapped her to attention. "Like hell! Red alert!"

Voyager's bridge crew shot to attention. Calling on everything she had been taught, Ryn fell back on battle tactics and crew knowledge. They were young and they were getting a trial by fire.

Despite their attitude, the Rol were not superior in firepower. The two ships were fairly matched, and the battle was drawn out. Finally, the Rol were defeated, and Voyager limped on, as her crew tried desperately to repair the ship, and plan ahead.

The Rol were a persistent race. Once defeated, they came back again and again. New ships with new tactics. With each round, Voyager was drawn into extended battles. Many times, she would retreat and hide, make her repairs, and attempt another path. The Rol followed them, searched them out and started another game of chance. The Junior Grade became ragged and exhausted. Voyager was patched together like a quilt. Half the systems were down, and they had lost another seven crew members. The battles continued for nearly two months. With great consideration, Ryn made a decision to travel through a sector of space that would take them nearly four months out of their way. There was no choice, Voyager and her crew simply could not take another conflict. Finally, after four days with no contact from the Rol, the crew began to relax, and once again rebuild.

******

Ryn headed to sickbay. She had been feeling lousy lately, but she had passed it off as grief and stress. Now that things were back to normal, or at least as normal as possible, she could ignore in no longer. Actually, Dare had threatened to cart her to the Doctor himself. She had bristled at his hint that she wasn't capable of judging her health. Finally, he had used the crew against her. Simply, he had stated "The crew cannot handle the loss of another member, much less the Captain." She had capitulated, but she was not happy about it.

Entering sickbay, she looked around. Kes was working intently at a diagnostic panel. Ryn grinned as she realized that her sister had not heard her enter. Something of her youth slipped in, and she couldn't resist sneaking up on her sister and surprising her. A loud "Hello!" followed the tweaking of Kes' ribs. The young woman jumped, and turned quickly. Her first impulse was to slap the smirking face of her sister, but just seeing the smile changed her mind. It had been a long time since either of them had smiled.

"I ought to hurt you for that."

Ryn grinned up at her sister. "You're not big enough, yet."

The two of them laughed at the old joke. All of Ryn's siblings were taller than her. Kol, was over six feet, even taller than their father. Phoebe and Kes shared their mother's height. Ryn had somehow gotten the worst end of the deal. She was a good three inches shorter.

"What's up, Short Stuff?"

"I've been feeling kind of blah, and Dare insisted that I come see you."

Kes scowled. "Hop up on the bed and we'll take a look."

The diagnostic took only a few minutes. Kes glared at her sister. "Your body is rebelling. You haven't been eating or sleeping properly. You need to take better care of yourself. When was the last time you did something to relax?"

Ryn started laughing hysterically. After several moments, she was able to pull herself together. Looking at the concerned face of her sister, Ryn clenched her hand.

"You've always been good for me. I know I've never told you, but I really appreciate your presence."

Kes hugged her. "Ditto, Sis. I love you, too."

A soft cough interrupted the tender scene. Both women looked up. "Hello, Doctor."

"Good morning, Captain, Kes. Captain, I agree with Kes. You need to take better care of yourself. Eat more, and lay off the coffee . . . "

A slim hand raised and stopped the words. "You can lecture me all you like, Doc, but you are not touching my coffee."

The Doc smiled slightly. His eyes lingered on the stubborn tilt of the chin, the delicate lines of stress outlining the eyes, the unwavering gaze, and relented. "Your parents would be proud of you both."

Ryn's gaze softened and her body relaxed. "I'll try, Old Man, just don't push it, okay?"

Again he grinned. "Aye, Captain."

Kes pressed a hypospray of vitamins to Ryn's neck. "This should help."

"Thanks." As she got up to leave, the Doctor caught her arm, his expression suddenly serious. "Captain, we need to talk. It concerns the crew."

Ryn nodded, her body automatically tensing and slipping into command posture. She followed him into his office.

As she strode from sickbay, the Doctor again reflected on how much she reminded him of her mother.

Dare knew something was bothering her the moment she entered the bridge. She silently crossed the bridge, her thoughts centered elsewhere. As she entered her ready room, she turned to him. "Mr. Kim, you have the bridge." Turning, she entered and the doors whisked shut behind her.

He gave her an hour, turned the bridge over to Paris, and headed after her.

"Bree-oop"

"Come"

Dare entered, and waited for the doors to shut before he spoke. He was momentarily distracted. Ryn stood before the viewport, her back to him, her hands on her hips. He smiled slightly and stepped up to her. His arms slid around her waist, and drew her back against him. "Want to tell me what's bothering you? Something to do with your checkup?"

She crossed her arms over his, relaxing into him. "I'm fine, just not getting enough sleep. Guess your moving back into your quarters."

He chuckled, his lips brushing her neck. "I don't think so. I like sleeping in your bed. It's bigger than mine."

"So that's why you're there . . . Guess it is time for you to move."

Dare's arms pulled her tightly to his body. His left hand moved up to her breast, and he burrowed his head in her neck.

"Is there nothing I can do to convince you otherwise?"

"Mmmmm . . . I think you're doing a damn good job of it."

"Making an impression am I?"

"You have potential."

"Potential, huh. Let me show you my potential"

Suddenly Ryn began to laugh. Dare loosened his hold. "What?"

"I just can't believe we're making out in this room."

"Why not, we've done it before."

"Not while on duty, and certainly not with the bridge crew outside."

"True, and your parents caught us. I'll never forget the look on your father's face. I thought I would end up in the brig for sure."

"My mom just told us that there were better places for such things."

"I remember her grin. I think she'd done it herself a time or two."

"You honestly think my parents made out in here? I can't picture it."

"Please. On more than one occasion, I've seen them come out a little flustered."

"Come on Ryn. You're not that naive. All those lunches or dinners, or visits when one or the other worked an alternate shift. Hell, at one time or another, I'd wager all the senior staff engaged in illicit activities in offices and such. It's a small ship."

"I know I've walked in on them as a kid, in our quarters, but I seriously doubt they engaged in relations beyond there. My mom was too . . . professional."

Dare just laughed. "I've heard the rumors. Some of them even suggest an incident in the Jefferies tubes."

"All right, all right . . . sheesh. Just thinking about it gives me the willies. The last thing I want to talk about is my parents' sex life." A shadow crossed Ryn's face, and she drew her arms about her.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

Turning back to the viewport, Ryn stared out at the stars. "The Doctor informed me today that there are three pregnant women on board Voyager. He wouldn't break confidentiality by telling me who. In light of current circumstances, though, he felt I should know. With all that has gone on, and resources being stretched, no one has received birth control boosters for the last three months or so. He has also been asked by several crew to approach me about the standing policy, if there is one. It seems my crew wishes to become parents."

"What are you going to do?" Dare leaned back against the rail, studying her curiously.

Eyes facing the viewport, Ryn shrugged. One hand came up to swipe at her face, as if trying to brush away the worry. "I don't know . . . "

They stood in silence for a long moment. Ryn turned to him, her eyes weary, her expression defeated. "How can we, in all conscience, allow any more children on board Voyager?" She began to pace. "Dammit Dare, we barely have the resources to keep ourselves alive. Half the ship is shut down with repairs. We've got the Neelix babysitting in the mess hall, with the help of the older children who are way too young to do anything for the ship. I have a thirteen-year-old in engineering, for crying out loud. That's not even including the other dozen teenagers I've got roaming around this ship. We're working on a skeleton crew as it is. Everyone has been forced to sign up for double shifts. How in the hell can we justify infants onboard?" Her pacing continued, but her hands, once gesturing rapidly with her spiel, had stopped, and were clenching at her head.

"But three of them are pregnant." She stopped and looked at him. Her eyes were wild, trapped. "Tell me Ryn, what do you tell them? They have to give up their babies. That's not possible. They've lost too much already. We have to allow them this choice, Ryn. It's their future . . . Our future."

"You can't possibly expect me to have a child, especially given our circumstances." Her look was incredulous.

Hurt flashed across Dare's face. "Not now of course, maybe . . . "

"Not ever!" The voice was adamant. "I have a wounded ship. I have the responsibility of 104 lives already. Thirty of those are under 18. I don't need any more children."

"You could easily have been pregnant. Neither of us has been in for boosters."

"I'm not, though."

Angry Blue clashed with determined brown. "If you had been?"

"Dare . . . "

"If you had been?"

A calmness swept through her, closing her eyes briefly, she sighed. "I wouldn't be."

The pain of her words reflected in the deep blue depths. Dare broke eye contact first. His voice barely a whisper, he asked again. "What are you going to do, Captain?"

Ryn flinched slightly. Her body stiffened into a command stance once more. "Whatever I have to, Commander, whatever I have to."

Nodding at her. "Then there is nothing more to discuss. Excuse me, Captain."

Eyes filling with tears, Ryn turned back to the viewport. "Dismissed."

Slowly, pain dogging her every move, Ryn keyed in the override to the security lock she herself had placed on these quarters. As the doors opened, she flinched. The smell of them slid over her. She stumbled into the room, her eyes quickly adjusting to the dim light from the viewport. Amazingly, there was little damage here. Her eyes drifted over the couch, their desks, her rocking chair. Memories overwhelmed her, and she collapsed to the floor, holding her head. *I can't do this!* Her mind screamed the thought, echoing it though her head. She had come for answers, resolutions. She dragged herself across the floor, and into their bedroom. Pulling herself onto the bed, she wrapped her mother's quilt around her. She then burrowed into her father's pillow. As she inhaled the scent of them, tears filled her eyes, and sobs once again tore through her. "Why did you leave me!!! I can't do this without you!!!" *I don't want to do this without you.* Everything hateful she had ever said came echoing back at her. Flashes of memory taunted her, attacking her like a fist. As the sobs ripped from her soul, she curled tight into herself, and let them drag her under.

She awoke to a nagging headache. One of those irritating ones that tells you you've been crying too long and too hard. Amazingly though, she felt lighter. The memories still swirled around her, but they were softer, gentler. Reminders of a hug and a smile, rather than words spoken in anger and forgotten. She couldn't remember the last time she told them she loved them. That was what hurt the most. She rolled from the bed and headed for the bathroom. After washing her face, she returned to her parents' room. Walking over to the bed, she opened the trunk at the end of it. The memories washed through her again, as she stared at the assorted treasures her parents had held dear. Topmost were their medicine bundles. She knelt beside the chest, and pulled them out. Once again she burrowed her face in the soft animal skins, trying desperately draw them into reality. She laid the bundles beside her for a moment, and reached into the chest again. Her hands closed over a horribly patched teddy bear, hers as a child. Cuddling the bear close she went in again. This time her fingers closed over an old book. Pulling it out she noticed that there were four of them. Each one was hand engraved. Ryn recognized her father's work instantly. Each book contained a name. She wondered why she had never seen these books before. After removing them from the chest, she noticed that a name was engraved on each. Kes, Kol, Phoebe, and Ryn. Her heart started to beat faster. As she flipped through the pages, she found pictures of each child. Hand written notes scrawled across the pages, notes from both her mother and father. Finally, she lifted her book. Her hands trembled as she opened the cover. Tears once again filled her eyes as the familiar writing covered the page.

This is my gift to you, my baby. You are such a blessing to us. So unexpected. You have been with us only days, and yet I can't imagine a time without you. You look so much like me, yet I see Chakotay too. What if I make mistakes? I know how to be a Captain, but I'm not sure if I can handle being a mother. I am so afraid of letting you down. Chakotay is smitten with you. He has been since you came to us. Already he shows signs of being an excellent father. He's not afraid to hug you or encourage you. This all overwhelms me. As I hold you in my arms, and watch you sleep, I wonder. What will you be? Can I offer you the guidance you need to grow? However will we survive this tempest? No matter my doubts, Little One, I love you. Chakotay has named you Ryn. It fits somehow.

And so the pages continued, with messages from both. The only inconsistency Ryn could find, was that there were no baby pictures of her. Shrugging off the doubts, Ryn went back to the trunk. Inside she found more items. Most of these were personal items that belonged to her parents, though there were a few special items, like her bear, that belonged to her siblings. Carefully, she replaced everything in the chest. Her heart ached again, but she knew now she was ready. Gathering her parents' medicine bundles, she headed back into the main room. Glancing about she found what she was looking for. There, on the floor by the door, lay her medicine bundle. She picked it up and walked over to the viewport. Sitting on the floor before the stars, Ryn opened the bundles. She froze as eyes noted the long auburn braid in her mother's bundle. Tears slipped free once more as the memories swept through her again. This time, instead of fighting them, she let them flow. Slowly she came back to herself. It was time. Picking up the Akoonah, she began the chant she had learned as a child. "Akoocheemoya . . . "

It was beautiful and familiar, but Ryn could not remember where she had seen this place before. Pale green sunlight shimmered across the shiny black stones of the beach. Glancing up, she could see the sun sharing the sky with two moons. Iridescent silver water lapped at the shoreline. Tide pools of fish littered the beach. Contentment washed over her. Closing her eyes, she absorbed the warmth of the sun.

"You have forgotten." The soft, arrogant voice pulled her from her thoughts.

"Good to see you, too."

The soft chuckle drew her gaze. Taking a moment to find the creature, her eyes finally focused of the pale gray cat. She was sitting on the rocks by the nearest tide pool.

"What have I forgotten, Old Friend?"

"Who you are."

"I know who I am. I am Kathryn Chakotay, Captain of the Starship Voyager. Mother to all and none." Her voice faded at the last.

"You are lost, Little One. Only when you find yourself can you set things right."

"What do you mean? Why must you talk in riddles?"

"I'm a cat. It is my nature. Find yourself, and find your answers."

"I did not come here for this."

"I know." Winking up at her, the gray cat jumped to the ground and headed toward the forest. Turning back, she held the girl's gaze. "Are you coming?" With a startled nod, Ryn followed her cheeky companion. As she entered the forest, the area changed. She remembered this place from a holodeck recreation. Her parents had called it New Earth. Pressure built in her chest as she saw them. They looked younger than she remembered. They were discussing something over a tomato garden. They stopped their conversation as she approached. Smiling, she flung herself into their waiting arms. "Gods, but I have missed you!" The words were fervent and heartfelt, and they echoed through Ryn's empty soul.

Kathryn stroked her daughter's hair. "You should have come sooner. We've been waiting for you."

"I didn't have time, and then I couldn't let go. Oh how I miss you." Again she burrowed herself in their arms. Her heart both full, and breaking.

Kathryn pulled Ryn to the ground, and Chakotay joined them. "Shush now, my little love."

Ryn sat for a long time in her parents' embrace, trying desperately to draw them in. Her experience was colored by the knowledge that this was little more than a dream. But she was content to exist here, away from her reality.

Slowly the words drifted out, halting at first, then gaining strength. "I don't know what to do. Several of my crew want to have children. Voyager is nothing but a shell of what she use to be. We are slowly rebuilding, but we just can't support the extra people. How do I tell them they can't have children? I'm afraid I haven't taken very good care of her for you."

Kathryn's hands stroked her daughter's arms. "There was a time when I doubted my ability to care for the ship and her crew. There were also many times I doubted I would be able to put her back together again after a battle or encounter. You can't control their lives, Ryn. You can make reasonable requests of them. They have placed their trust in you. They expect you to guide them. You will manage somehow."

Chakotay's hand drifted over her cheek. "Remember who you are, Little Love. That will see you through." With one last hug, they shimmered out of existence.

"Wait!" Her voice echoed through the empty room. She didn't understand. All she had to do was remember who she was, something she had never forgotten. With a sigh, she rose and replaced the bundles where they had been. With a last look around, she headed back to her quarters.

She stood under the hot spray allowing it to wash away the doubt and confusion. She knew what she had to do, but it didn't make it any easier. Voyager simply could not handle the strain of additional crew, especially those who couldn't take care of themselves. Her eyes closed, and she leaned forward, her arms bracing on the wall in front of her. The water washed over her face and down her back. *How did you stand this, Mom?* The worst part was the loneliness. She didn't fit in anymore. She was the Captain, the leader. She jerked up as a large hand closed on her shoulder.

"Ryn? I'm sorry for what I said in your ready room. I had no right to push you, especially when you need me as a sounding board. It affects our level of trust. You won't come to me if you don't feel I'll be of help. I won't always agree with you, but I'll always be here for you. I'll try to be whatever you need me to be. I love you."

Shaking the hair and water from her face, Ryn reached out and stroked his cheek. "I'm sorry too. I was angry and confused. I took it out on you. I haven't changed my mind though, I still think children on board is a very bad idea."

Dare's eyes met hers as he stripped off his uniform and joined her in the shower. "Perhaps someday I can change your mind." His arms encircled her and pulled her back against his chest. His hands rested against her stomach. "I would love to see you swollen with my child, but I can wait. And, if it never happens, I think I can accept that . . . As long as I have you." His face nuzzled her shoulder.

She turned in his arms, her hands catching his face and holding him in place. Warm brown eyes locked with blue. "Four months ago I would have jumped at carrying your child, Dare. It is something I have always wanted. Now, I just can't. I make no promises, but let us see what the future holds." She leaned forward and kissed him with everything in her, plastering her wet body to his. He lifted her slightly, and turned her, pressing her back to the shower wall. Their mouths dueled in fierce passion. His hands traced the wet curves, sliding over her bottom and lifting her leg. His fingers tested the warmth between her thighs, and at her sigh and the telling moisture, he lifted her again. Plunging his arousal deep, he pinned her to the wall. Ryn clenched him tightly to her, riding out the storm in a wild tide of pleasure. Much later, she lay and watched him sleep. Her heart was once again full, but empty.

It had been three days since her talk with the Doctor. Ryn was still wrestling with her decision, but she had pretty much decided what she had to do. The hardest part was talking to the crew. She sat in the mess hall, debating the hows and wheres. Her breakfast lay untouched before her.

"Hello, Captain." Neelix's cheerful voice bounced of her negative thoughts and a smile crept forth. "Something wrong with your breakfast?"

"No, thank you Neelix, its fine."

"You, my young friend, look like you have something important on your mind. Care to discuss it, Little One?" The use of her old nickname broke through and Ryn collapsed back in her chair.

The words were barely a whisper. "I am lost, Uncle Nee. I know what I need to do, the decisions I have to make, but I don't want to make them. I'm not sure which path is the best one for the crew, so I'm stuck at the crossroads. Why didn't we cover an extensive topic of command choices from hell?"

He reached over and patted her arm. "There are no easy answers, Little One. That's one of the trials of being Captain. Your mother use to wrestle with her decisions, but she stood firm and tried to be just. Just remember, nothing has to be set in steel, and time may bring in new light. Sometimes there are compromises." She leaned over to hug the old Talaxian, glad at least that she had this constant. She left the mess hall feeling better than she had when she entered.

The doors to the arboretum slid open as she approached. She entered quietly and studied the beautiful garden. Most of the damage from the confrontation with the Rol had been contained. This place reminded her of the security of her childhood. She searched the room, before her eyes found her brother kneeling by a rose bed. She watched him as he worked. He was tall, and slender, but she could see the man he would become. She approached him softly, only to find that she was the one to be surprised as her sister jumped out at her. "Gotcha!"

Ryn laughed, and caught her energetic sister in a hug. "I love you, Phoebe."

Startled by the hug and the words, Phoebe hugged her sister back. "What's up, Short Stuff?

"I came to ask Kol a favor."

He stood and brushed the dirt from his trousers. "Anything."

She silently handed him a medical laser. Pulling back the fall of long hair on the left side of her head, she exposed a neatly shaved patch that extended behind her ear. She flipped the hair to the other side and secured it. She then knelt on the floor and tilted her head to the side to afford him easier access. Kol paused for only a moment, before dropping to his knees before his sister. Phoebe also knelt. Gathering her sister's hair in one hand, she wrapped the other around Ryn's right hand. Their fingers meshed, and together they sat offering support through the long, painful process. When Kol was done, an exact replica of their father's tattoo graced her brow. She hugged her siblings before she left, and then headed to sickbay, to return the instrument.

Ryn stood in the empty sickbay for several minutes before slapping her combadge. "Attention, all hands. This is the Captain speaking. It has come to my attention that several of you wish to have children. I don't feel that Voyager is capable of sustaining the added drain and stress of infants onboard. However, we have lost much, and our hope for the future is embedded in our young. Therefore, if a petition is made to the Captain and the Doctor, and everything is cleared, family additions will be allowed. It is my hope that you will choose to give us time to rebuild and adapt Voyager to her role. I realize the need to create new life to try to reduce the loss of the old. We are young, and we have time, as long as whatever spirits guide us are kind. I suggest that all interested parties get together and offer suggestions for the new additions. All areas of the ship not in use need to be cleaned up and reassigned. Bring your suggestions to Commander Kim and myself. That is all."

"Thank you." The words were soft, and uncertain. Kes Janeway smiled through her tears. She caught her sister's hand and held it to her stomach. Ryn's eyes widened in surprise. She closed her eyes tightly to stop the tears. Her family was growing.

The crew pulled together, and in a matter of months, Voyager was ready and joyously awaiting the arrival of three new members. Most of the crew had spoken to Ryn and the Doctor about the possibility of adding to their families, but they were content to wait until Voyager was ready.

The pending births, the unity of the crew, and the lack of hostility from the surrounding space brought a renewal to the crew. Ryn walked the now clean and repaired halls of the ship. She had an affinity for this ship, and a pride in it and her crew. She still felt her parents' presence, but now it was a blanket that sheltered her rather than a shadow that haunted. Smiling to herself, she began to whistle. Catching the startled glance of a crewman, she grinned. *Yep, hope was a wonderful thing.* Suddenly, the ship shuddered. A conduit exploded and sent the young Captain of Voyager flying to the floor unconscious.

Ryn awoke in sickbay. Her head hurt like hell. Swiftly she rose from the biobed, clutching her head as waves of pain crashed over her. She tried to focus on the Doctor as he hurried over to her. "What happened?" Her voice was horse, husky from lack of use.

"A conduit ruptured, you were caught in the blast. Lay down! You've been unconscious for nearly three days." His hands pressed themselves to her shoulders, to push her back onto the bed.

Ryn fought his grip. "What do you mean, three days? Dammit Doc, leave me be."

"If you do not settle down, I will sedate you." Neither heard the doors to sickbay open.

"Like hell!" Her eyes finally came into focus, and she glared at him. Her expression caused him to pause momentarily. A moment was all Ryn needed. She pushed away from him and the biobed. Stumbling a few steps, she was halted by a firm hand on her arm. Startled, she turned to flame its owner. "How dare . . . " The words were never finished. A soft gasp escaped her as her eyes collided with her father's. For the first time in her life, Kathryn Chakotay fainted.

When she came to, she was again lying on the biobed. This time she hesitated before opening her eyes. No more hallucinations, please. A warm hand pushed the hair from her face. "Come on, Little One, wake up." She froze, tears filling her eyes. Without conscious thought, she pushed herself up from the bed and threw herself into her father's embrace. Tears streamed down her cheeks. Chakotay simply held her through the storm. His confused gaze met that of the Doctor's. After the tears subsided, Ryn lay exhausted in her father's arms. "Do you want to tell me what that was all about?"

In a whisper, barely audible, Ryn answered. "Not now, Daddy."

Chakotay didn't push, but in her voice he heard something he had never heard before. He smiled as a soft sigh escaped her lips. Glancing down he noticed she was asleep. Carefully he laid her back on the biobed and covered her. He stood watching her silently, seeing something in the lines of her face. She seemed older, somehow. Perhaps they were giving her too much responsibility. He thoughts were interrupted by a soft hand curling in his. Clenching it tightly, he smiled at his wife.

"How is she?"

"I don't know yet. The Doctor says her readings are normal. I can't help feeling something is different though. She fainted when she saw me, Kathryn. The look in her eyes . . . " He shook his head, trying to find a way to explain it all to her. "When she came to, she threw herself at me. She began to cry, and held me so tight. You would have thought she hadn't seen me in a very long time."

"Did she tell you why?"

"No. She just curled herself closer to me and fell asleep in my arms. She hasn't done that since she was a child."

"She'll tell us in time, Chakotay."

"Excuse me Captain, Commander." The Doctor waved toward his office. When they were seated, he began. "As you know, Ryn slipped into a type of coma after the accident and I was unable to revive her. There is something else. The scans I took showed an increase in the part of her brain that accesses dreaming. There was and still is an increase in the centers that induce dreaming. The activity in her brain is indicative of telepathic activity."

The Captain sat forward in her chair. "Is there any evidence of damage?"

"No, Captain. It appears to be normal. There is something you should be aware of. Ryn's DNA sequence is altering. It's barely noticeable, but it is there . . . Captain, it's the same alteration we noted at her birth."

Kathryn Janeway sank back in her chair, her mind whirling. Beside her, Chakotay sat, also dazed.

"What do you think this means?"

"I don't know, Commander, but I suggest we watch her closely."

When Ryn woke again, her eyes searched the room. Finding no one nearby, she rose, and slid off the biobed. Her head still throbbed, but the pain was more bearable. The soft flux of voices drew her to the Doctor's office. She studied her parents' faces lovingly. *They were real!* She was unable to stop herself. She stumbled into the office and headed to them, drawing their attention.

Kathryn spoke first. "Ryn, love, you should be resting."

"No." The voice was calm, assured. "I should be here." She dropped to her knees and burrowed her face in her mother's lap. "Gods but I have missed you."

Kathryn could feel the dampness of tears through her trousers. Her hands stroked her daughter's hair, trying to sooth, but uncertain as to what was upsetting her. Slowly her fingers curved under Ryn's chin and raised her head "What tears at you, my baby?"

Tears slid down Ryn's cheeks. Swiping them away, she caught her mother's gaze. "You were gone." The utter grief in Ryn's pulled at Kathryn's heart. "Oh sweetheart, it was just a dream. We're here, and we would never willingly leave you."

Ryn shook her head at the soothing words. They meant nothing, for as strong as Kathryn Janeway was, death could defeat her. Pulling her tattered psyche to her, Ryn stood. "I want to return to my quarters now."

The three elders stared at her in shock. The tone used was not insubordinate, just confident. It was a Captain's voice, full of command. It was also not a request. After filling her in, and ordering time off, the Doctor released her.

The activity of the ship overwhelmed her. She remembered feeling lonely once walking through Voyager's empty halls. Now there was almost constant movement. Trying to gain her bearings, Ryn paused and leaned against the wall. The soft steady hum of Voyager throbbed in her veins. She smiled. Regardless of the circumstances, she was home.

Her parents escorted her to her quarters. She to a moment to gather her thoughts. Smiling slightly, she ran her fingers over a variety of whatnots and memorabilia. Most of the things that she had thought were lost when they confronted the Rol. *That's not right, we haven't done that.* Her mind was still dazed. Excusing herself, she headed into the bathroom to wash her face, and try to clear her head. After patting her face dry, she looked in the mirror. The face staring back at her didn't seem real. Her reflection startled her so much she jumped, and knocked over a glass vase, sending it to shatter on the floor. She continued to stare at the face before her, trying to find herself in the image. Oh, it was her, but not who she was use to seeing in the mirror every morning. The face was younger, fewer lines, no character. Her hand brushed the face away from her brow. She remembered the lines of the tattoo, but they were no longer present. *A dream. Gods, was it really a dream?* By this time, both Kathryn and Chakotay were standing in the doorway, watching her worriedly.

"Ryn, are you all right?"

She nodded at them, distracted by the mirror. "Just trying to remember who I am."

They exchanged a frown, before Kathryn moved forward to embrace her daughter. "Come sit, and we'll talk."

With a sigh, Ryn agreed. Following her parents into the living room, she waited until they seated themselves on the couch. She sat at their feet on the floor, facing them. "When . . . This is going to sound strange, but I don't know when I am. I know who I am, and where I am, I just don't know when. The . . . time I was . . . away, is lost to me. I can't place myself. So much happened in my mind . . . "

"Ryn? You just celebrated your twentieth birthday a week ago. Do you remember the party?"

"Yes. It was a surprise and Uncle Nee made me a fudge cake." Her eyes closed as she tried to focus on that point. She had lived and lost nearly seven years. Something wasn't right. How could she remember things that hadn't happened? Tears of frustration slipped from beneath the closed lids.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. Not now. I have to think a while. Later, please? I need some time alone."

Chakotay nodded, and pulled Kathryn to her feet. "We'll check in on you later." He reached down to help Ryn up, and hugged her close. "We love you, Little One. We want to help."

"Soon, Dad, very soon." After walking both parents out, she turned to small viewport in her quarters. She stood for a long time watching the stars as she contemplated her next step. *How much of the last seven years did she really remember? Only bits and pieces, like a dream, with the exception of her command. None of that had happened. She was a blank slate waiting to be filled. What if she had jumped back in time, into another body? What if this were some kind of alien test? What if this wasn't real? A spacial/time anomaly? Q? What if this really were real, and she had her family back? What about the one she had left behind? Her hand dropped to protectively cradle her tummy. What about their future, the one she was going tell Dare about? What was her reality? Would she trade this second chance to get it back? Gods!* Ryn closed her eyes. Confusion swirled in her mind as she sank to the floor. Curling up in a tight little ball, she lay there until sleep claimed her.

Waking brought with it that tight headachy feeling of too little sleep with too much in the mind. She forced herself to her feet, and glanced at the chronometer. Her first thought was that she was late for her duty shift, then she remembered Sighing, she stretched and worked through a series of exercises designed to relax the muscles and reduce stress. After stretching the stiffness out of her muscles, she showered and slipped into something comfortable. Now she was ready. Gathering her medicine bundle, she positioned herself on the floor and began the chant.

She arrived on a dark, windy beach. Angry waves crashed against the shore, sending the smooth black stones tumbling over one another. She knew this place, had been here before. Silvery moonlight peaked through the clouds. *Yes, this was familiar, and it fit her mood perfectly.*

"Grumpy little thing, aren't you?"

"Can't you ever just say hello?"

"That would make things too easy on you."

"I think maybe I've earned it this time, don't you?"

"Things aren't always what they seem."

"Go away if all you're going to give me are riddles. I want no part of them. My life is a riddle."

"True, all life is a riddle. The puzzle must be worked through, and sometimes the answers aren't what you seek."

"I know that, Old One. I am not a fool. Just confused."

"You are lost, you have not found your way yet."

"Maybe I am just destined to be lost."

"You are a fool, if you think that."

"Then let me be a fool. I have nothing else I can hold on to for certain."

"You know the truth of that. Find yourself, and find the answers."

Ryn swirled to face the cat. "Help me then, for I no longer even believe in my reality. I don't know who I am. I don't even know if I want to be this person. I was not happy with who I was, so it was changed, and now I not happy. I am constantly grieving what is lost. So help me, Old Friend, for I'm not sure I can help myself." Tears began to fall, and fists clenched in frustration.

The cat studied her companion for a moment, then climbed up Ryn's body, and settled on her shoulder. The furry face nuzzled the tear streaked cheeks in comfort. When the young woman had calmed down, she began again.

"Do you believe this to be real?"

"I don't know."

"That's a step anyway. You are not really lost, child. You have just forgotten. It has been a long time."

"What have I forgotten? I don't know what you want me to remember, and I don't know why it is important."

"You are in your reality. This is your life."

"The other was a dream then?"

"Not exactly. More like a possibility."

"A prediction of the future?"

"One possibility."

"I can change it then?"

"Possibly, if you remember."

"Remember what?"

"I cannot tell you, just as I cannot tell you that the future is set, and that you can change it. What do you want?"

"To hold my child. To watch Dare's face when I tell him of its existence . . . To see it cradled in my parents' arms. . . I want it all."

"I can't guarantee that."

"I know, no one can. But that's what I want."

"Then you have to work for it."

"Yes, and find myself, and remember whatever it is I am supposed to remember . . . I will try, Old One. But . . . I'm not sure where to start."

"Ask."

"Who?"

"The creators of course."

"Dammit cat!"

The arrogant furball chuckled as she jumped down from Ryn's shoulder. "Remember, Little One, and all can be changed."

The vision faded, and Ryn sighed wearily. Some questions would remain it seemed. So much for animal guides. Perhaps she would ask her father to explain their contrary nature. Suddenly her head snapped up. How could she have been so stupid? Of course, ask the creators. Jumping to her feet, she headed to the door. "Ryn to the Captain!"

"Go ahead"

"I need to speak to you and Chakotay. Are you available?"

"Of course. Meet us in our quarters."

"On my way."

As Ryn headed for the Captain's quarters, her thoughts swirled again. There was so much she needed to know. Perhaps it was time.

As she entered their quarters, her eyes noted the subtle adjustments and differences. She and Dare had shared these quarters for the last few months, or at least she had thought they had. She also took a moment to drink them in. When would she slip back to that point where every moment was taken for granted. She hoped never. She watched them and couldn't help smiling. They were so in tune to one another, yet so different. Kathryn Janeway was pacing, and Chakotay was sitting patiently, waiting for their daughter to speak. Such had always been the way of things. She paused only a moment before encouraging her mother to be seated. She knelt on the floor before them, her hands holding one of theirs. Ryn closed her eyes a moment to gather her thoughts. "I wish I could share with you some of the things I've seen. Something to make you understand how hard this is and yet how wonderful. It would explain why I'm unfocused and confused." She gestured the room, and them. "This is not real to me. In my mind I have been living another life. One so radically different, that this one frightens me. Part of me hopes someone will wake me, and I'll be back where I was. Another part prays that this reality is mine, and that I've been given a second chance. I wish there was some way . . . " She closed her eyes, as she tried to find the words, anything to recite the horror, the grief, and the hope.

A gasp from her mother drew her attention, and then she knew they were with her in her mind. Somehow, someway, they were linked. Ryn allowed the images to flow, the scenes to unfold. Then, they were back, and they were sitting in her parent's quarters. Kathryn and Chakotay studied their daughter for a long time. No one spoke. All were trying to absorb the unique experience, and the melding of their minds. Finally, Chakotay spoke. "We need to talk about many things. These images, and what may be causing them. I think we should return to sickbay." He took both of Ryn's hands in his. "We didn't tell you earlier, because we were worried about you, but I think it is important for you to know what is going on. The doctor detected an alteration in your DNA. This is the reemergence of an alien DNA that was responsible and part of your birth. I don't know how you did it, but I want you to try to link us again. It would be easier to share with you."

Ryn studied both her parents for a long time before agreeing. Taking their hands, she concentrated. Slowly scattered images of the past filtered through, along with the feelings associated with them. Finally, the thoughts merged and the cycle began again.

******

Chakotay was frustrated. It had taken him nearly five years to get her to admit she loved him. Once that was done, it had only taken him a few months to get her to speak pledging vows in front of the crew. He could not, however, even after four years, convince her to carry his child. Everything in her rebelled against the notion of taking that step. Somehow he had to find a way to accept her choice, or wait her out. His thoughts were disturbed by the red alert claxon. Quickly he headed for the bridge, knowing that he was needed.

Arrival on the bridge brought with it the knowledge that Voyager was being attacked by a small vessel. Apparently, they had been harassing a smaller ship that had sent out a distress call. When Voyager had interrupted the conflict, and requested a cease fire, the aggressive ship had turned and attacked Voyager. The vessel's weapons and shields were no-match for Voyager, and the Captain quickly sent them on their way. The wounded ship just drifted in space, helplessly.

"Captain, we're being hailed."

"On screen" A humanoid race appeared. The sheen of their skin remind Kathryn of scales. They were pale yellow in color, and had a rainbow variety of hair. Otherwise, they appeared Terran.

"I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager."

"Thank you for your help. I am Jetta Mentere of the Merka. If there is anyway we can repay you, please let us know."

"Your ship is heavily damaged. Do you need further assistance?"

"If it is at all possible, we would greatly appreciate it. We have some wounded who need medical care, and our ship is losing life support."

"I can have my crew tow you into our shuttle bay. Your wounded can be taken to our sickbay. Once everyone is taken care off, when can begin repairs."

"We are most appreciative, Captain. The Merkan home world is about two weeks travel from here. My people would welcome the opportunity to repay you."

"We will discuss everything when you are onboard. Janeway out."

The Merkan vessel was quickly tractored into the shuttlebay. All seriously wounded, were transported to sickbay. The most seriously wounded, a young pregnant woman, was the wife of Mentere. The doctor, after several hours of surgery, was able to save both the young woman and her child. Voyager's crew soon discovered that Jetta meant more than Captain. Among the Merkans, a Jetta was equivalent to a Terran prince. Mentere was destined to take over as ruler of his home world upon his father's death. The Merkans were also extremely grateful for Voyager's interference. After returning the Merkan's to their home world, Voyager was given permission for shore leave and unlimited supplies as gratitude. A final gift, offered by the ruling family, was an heirloom. An ancient orb from an alien civilization. Janeway tried to refuse the gift, but was told that doing so dishonored all that Voyager had done. She finally accepted it, and the Rees, as it was called, was sent to sickbay for analysis. The Merkans believe the Rees to be alive, possibly a lower life form. They sent only one warning with the Rees. It had to have contact with others, for it would die if it wasn't touched. It was a vibrant orb, of pale pastel colors that shimmered when the orb was touched. The Doctor declared the Rees harmless, but insisted on keeping it in sickbay. Over the next few months, it was discovered that the Rees produced a psychic energy. It tended to sooth and comfort, it also enhanced feelings of joy and pleasure. Many of the crew were drawn to the orb

Almost from the first, the Rees responded differently to the Captain and the Commander. The colors were brighter and more vibrant in their presence. The Captain was leery about contact with the Rees, but she enjoyed watching it. It reminded her of a star twinkling in the sky. Chakotay, however, was awed by the orb. He could often be found in sickbay studying, touching, or talking to it. He, of all the crew treated, it as though it really were alive. After a few weeks, some of the novelty wore of, but the Commander still made daily trips to sickbay.

One afternoon, after a long shift, Kathryn headed for sickbay to get Chakotay. They were supposed to meet the crew in the Holodeck for a party later that evening, and she wanted them to have a little time for themselves before hand. As she entered sickbay, she couldn't help but smile. The look of total peace on Chakotay's face filled her heart. Walking over to him, she coughed to get his attention. When he looked up, he smiled. A wave of pure joy washed over him in that moment, and he reached for Kathryn's hand. "You have to feel this, Kathryn." He drew her hand to the Rees. As they both made contact, a flash of light absorbed them.

They found themselves standing on a moonlit beach. Shiny black stones made up the shore, and silver waves teasingly tossed them about. The clear, dark sky sowed two moons smiling down on them. The beach was littered with silvery tide pools, and a feeling of serenity washed over them both.

"Where are we?" Kathryn looked at Chakotay, worry flashing across her face.

"My reality. My world, or at least the part of it I share."

Voyager's command team turned quickly toward the soft, whispery voice. After several moments, their gazes settled on a small, shadowy creature hunched within a tide pool.

Kathryn was the first to speak. "Where is that?"

"Within the Rees."

"Who are you?"

"I am Rees-bred. Blessed of Arios. One created from death. The most precious gift to and of my people. I am . . . I know you. You have spoken to me."

"How did we get here?"

"The bond brought you, and you are compatible."

"Compatible for what, exactly?"

"The bonding."

"Can we get back?"

"Yes . . . When you have decided."

"Decided? What?"

"If you accept the responsibility."

"I don't understand."

"By communing with the Rees, and sharing the experience, your bond has activated the birth. If you accept the bond, and the birth, I will be freed and you will be responsible for my existence. We will be connected, a part of one another."

"If not?"

The creature shifted. "Then you will be released and this memory will fade. Acceptance or termination of the bond, the choice is yours."

"What will happen to you if we decide not to accept the bond?"

Again, the creature shifted. "I don't know. Arion have never denied the bond. Rees-bred are a gift. Someone always accepts responsibility. But . . . I am no longer among the Arion and I am much older than the others of my kind." The voice, both young and old, was sad, almost lonely.

Kathryn stepped forward. "This is difficult for you."

"The choice is not mine. It is yours. It matters not what I want . . . I sense your doubts, Captain. I am no more dangerous or harmless than any other being. I cannot tell you what I am beyond this, and Rees-bred, and Arion. I cannot tell you what I'll be. I exist here and I can exist beyond here. I simply am."

"Do you know why you're away from your people?"

"I was replacement. A life for a life. A gift that represents my communities sorrow for the actions of the people. I know all that was shared with me. Many years ago, travelers came to my world. During the course of their visit, a mistake was made, a misjudgement, and a child was killed. The mother was inconsolable. She was taken to the chamber, where the Rees-bred exist until bonding. It was hoped that our presence would sooth her. She stumbled against me, and I drank in her grief and pain. She healed in my presence. When they were ready to leave, she asked if she could take me with her. My people, in their guilt, agreed. The condition of my removal was that I be shared, constant contact. Your people are the first of your kind I have encountered. The first to be truly compatible."

Kathryn turned to Chakotay. "What are we going to do?"

"You both must agree, it is a dual responsibility."

"Is this what your world looks like all the time?"

"It is a representation."

Placing her hand on Chakotay's arm, she pulled him to the side. "How can we leave it here knowing it is a life form? How can we release it not knowing?" She closed her eyes as doubt clouded her mind. The Merkans had mentioned a legend similar to this. "It is alive. Maybe it has been imprisoned here."

"I can't believe that, Captain. I have never received a negative response from it. Can you honestly believe it's evil or harmful?"

"No . . . I can't. My instincts tell me it's truthful, but I can't help but feel there is more to this."

"Agreed."

"Rees?"

The creature looked up and chuckled. "Better you call me nothing. I am Rees-bred, and nothing more."

"Can we see you?"

The creature shifted and sighed. "You see what is. I am only a shadow of what I can be, of what I will be once born."

"Do you know what this birth entails?"

"Life! And the bond. That you are here shows all is in readiness. You have only to agree."

The Captain hesitated. "What will you be?"

"Alive! And part of you. More than what I am and less. I don't know."

"Chakotay?" He grasped her hand and nodded. The uncertainty was there, but the decision was made. "We accept."

The creature began to glow and shimmer. "I thank you." It moved forward, and its shadowy form, as insubstantial as a ghost's, embraced and surrounded them. Pure joy embraced them all as the bond began

Kathryn and Chakotay stood together as images raced through their minds. Ideas were shared as if with a mind meld. They shared memories of parents, siblings, experiences, first loves, training Maquis/Starfleet, Voyager, and each other. They shared emotions, feelings, memories of their first kiss, the first time making love. The emotions took over. They were blended, body to body, heart to heart, waves of ecstasy passing through them. The moment passed, tender words, thoughts expressed mind to mind. The sudden swelling of her abdomen pushed them apart. Awe flashed through them as awareness set in. Both sets of hands descended. Fetal kicks and movements fluttered against their palms. *If I could choose, I would have a daughter just like you.* Smiles, kisses, sharp contractions, an explosion of light.

"Captain! Commander!" The Doctor's insistent voice filtered through their awareness. Their eyes opened and met, their thoughts shared, surprise. They could still hear one another. Another voice entered their thoughts. *Thank you!* Kathryn became aware of lying on the floor, Chakotay beside her, his arms wrapped around her. Nestled between them lay a child. They sat slowly and protectively embraced the tiny girl. Again awe surrounded them as they studied her.

"Captain?" Kathryn looked up at the Doctor. "Are you okay?" She nodded, her attention drifting back to the toddler in Chakotay's arms. *A baby. I expected a baby.* Her hand reached out and stroked the child's cheek. "Could you get up on the biobed? I want to run some scans." The Captain rose and seated herself on the biobed, Chakotay as well. "Lay her on the bed, Commander."

Awareness snapped them into reality. Suddenly, they noticed the dampness covering their uniforms. The Captain turned her attention to the Doctor. "What happened? How long were we gone?"

The Doctor looked at them in confusion. "Gone? Captain, you and the Commander touched the Rees. There was a flash of light, and then you were lying on the floor of my sickbay with the child."

Kathryn glanced over at Chakotay. *How?* He shook his head. Studying the little girl, he shifted her to the bed. Eyes fluttered open briefly, warm, chocolate brown eyes. *My eyes!* The Doctor covered the little girl with a blanket and then ran scans of the command team. "Your scans appear normal, though your adrenaline levels are a little high. You appear to be covered in some type of amniotic fluid. I don't see anything to cause me worry. However, if you have any problems, report to me immediately." Both officers nodded and turned to watch the Doctor run scans of the child. The creasing of his brow caught their attention. "Hmm . . . this is odd."

"What?"

"Her scans are reading human. More precisely, she appears to be your child. Her DNA is a perfect blend of yours, as if you were her biological parents." There was a brief moment of shock before they accepted it. She had said they would be bonded.

"I hear a but in there, Doctor."

"Well, Captain, as I said, at first scan she appears to be human, half you and half the Commander, but there is an unidentifiable alien DNA attached to the human cells."

Chakotay's hand stroked the wet curls covering the child's head. "We should wake her, perhaps she can answer a few of our questions."

Kathryn watched a moment then agreed. Reaching over, she lightly shook the child's shoulder. "Wake up, Little One, we need to talk to you."

Sleepy brown eyes attempted to focus. *Yes Mama?* Kathryn jerked slightly at the mental touch. Chakotay smiled, for he too had heard. "Can you speak out loud?"

"If I must." The voice was still whispery, a combination of age and youth. Chakotay laughed.

"Can you tell us who you are?"

A soft sigh filled the air. "You know me. I am of the Rees and you. I am."

"Do you have a name?"

"Yes. A gift from you both. I am of the mother and the father. Kathryn Chakotay."

"Is it common for Rees-bred to acquire their parent's names?"

"Yes, and no. Most Rees-bred are infants. I am older than the others. I have been Rees-bound for centuries. We are named through the bond. As wish if you will. He wanted a Kathryn. You wanted a part of Chakotay. A healthy child that shared his soul. Thus, I am. A child to fill a wish and named after such . . . The birth is tiring for me, I must rest."

"Will you grow as a normal child grows, or will you always be this?"

"I will grow and learn and adapt. I will become more, and less." The voice faded and the gentle eyes closed again.

Chakotay glanced over at Kathryn. "I fell as though we have learned everything and nothing at the same time." She nodded in agreement.

"Captain, Commander?" When they glanced over at him, the Doctor continued. "If you like, you may return to duty. I would like to keep the child here for now and continue the scans." They agreed, but for a moment were reluctant to leave the little girl.

The child slept for two days. The command team periodically went to check on her. They also made a ship wide announcement to the crew and began changing their quarters to accommodate her. After making a brief stop on sickbay after their duty shift, only to find the little girl still sleeping, the command team headed to their quarters and changed for a party in Sandrine's.

The evening was going well, and everyone was having a good time. Kathryn and Chakotay sat at a table with B'Elanna, Tom, Seven and Harry. They were discussing the couples' children when they were interrupted by a hail.

"Sickbay to the Captain"

"Go ahead, Doctor"

"Captain, I seem to have a small problem. Our young guest has disappeared. I can't find her anywhere, and the computer is unable to find her."

"Understood. We'll organize a search." Kathryn glanced over at Chakotay. They all shifted into action. As they were organizing their ideas, Neelix came over. "Uh, Captain?" She tossed him the make it quick I'm busy look. "I think this belongs to you." He gestured down to his side. Peeking out from behind his legs, grinned an impish little face. The resemblance was unmistakable, even shocking to those of the crew who had not seen her.

Chakotay knelt down with a smile. "Come here, my Ryn." The child grinned again and launched herself at Chakotay. Burrowing her face in his shoulder, she peeked out at the rest of the crew. "Do you want to tell me why you left the Doctor?"

The voice was smaller. The wisdom and knowledge gone. She sounded just like the three-year-old she resembled. Even the hesitance that surrounds small children as they try to find the words they are not quite sure of. "Woked up. You gone. Doctor made me bath." She pulled at the delicate flannel nightdress. "Is pretty, yes?"

Chakotay hugged her close and agreed with her. He stroked the silky red curls from her face, and smiled. Some blessings were definitely worth having.

So began Ryn's reign on Voyager. She adapted quickly. However, she refused to be separated from her parents for long. She often attempted escape from the nursery, and succeeded. Sometimes she could be found in Jefferies tubes, at others, in the corridors. Most often, she made ti to the bridge or the Captain's ready room. Though they knew it unlikely, the command team attempted nursery care daily. They also repeatedly returned the child to the nursery. As time passed, the mental bond diminished somewhat. Both Kathryn and Chakotay retained a level of connection to each other and Ryn. Often it was a sense of awareness, of either danger to, or the emotions of the others.

Two months later, Chakotay returned to their quarters to find Kathryn unconscious on the floor. Ordering an emergency transport to sickbay, he gathered Ryn, and followed. Kathryn was diagnosed as pregnant. From all the Doctor's research, it was discovered that contact with the Rees had nullified to birth control boosters. In fact, it had increased fertility. The infants conception could be traced to the day of Ryn's birth. It was also discovered that several other crewmembers were pregnant as well. Voyager's baby boom began.

With the birth of Phoebe Janeway, Ryn's constant attachment to her parents diminished somewhat. She went wherever Phoebe went. She became her champion and adoring audience. Phoebe's stay in the nursery, kept Ryn in place, and a friendship was established with the other children. After Phoebe's birth, scans taken of Ryn showed no alien presence. It was if it had all been a dream. Eventually, the crew forgot about the miracle itself and enjoyed the benefits.

********

Their eyes opened slowly. They held each others hands for a long time. Finally, Kathryn spoke. "We didn't mean to hide or deny the truth of what happened, we just became absorbed in our lives. You were here, and you were ours. I still remember you stealing Phoebe out of the nursery and carting her to the bridge. We almost had conniptions when we realized you had carted her through several Jefferies tubes. You did the same thing with Kol and Kes."

"Were they part of the side effects of the Rees also?"

"No. They were the result of careful planning on our part. The only thing we didn't count on was twins."

"Why do you think I am suddenly experiencing an awakening of my alien roots?"

"We don't know. There is so little about the Arion that we were able to discover. We have encountered no other races who are aware of their existence. We will just have to wait, and try to understand what comes our way."

Ryn nodded. She slowly got to her feet, and sat on the couch between her parents. She nestled between them and closed her eyes, allowing herself to relax in their presence. A sense of peace and rightness filled her and she slept.

She knew she was dreaming. She was here, on a dream walk without the help of the Akoonah. Ryn glanced around the beach. It was more than familiar to her. She now understood the significance of this place. Racial memories soared through her mind. Things that had long been forgotten crested and reemerged. She knew who and what she was.

"I told you all would be resolved when you remembered."

"You tell me many things, Old Friend. I'm just not always sure how to read them."

A soft chuckle echoed through the night air. "There are many ways of seeing things. You must find the path that's true?"

Ryn turned to face the old cat. "How do I do that? I know many things now, but I'm still not certain of my path."

"There are many things in life we question. I don't have all the answers, because you don't. This a game of chance, a game we really have no choice but to play. You have been given many gifts to help you through this game. Trust yourself to find the value, and you will win."

"Riddles, again. I am young though, and I will learn and understand. That is something I can do. And these memories, and experiences?"

"They will ebb and flow like the tide. They will come back to you when you need them, and until that time, they will drift in your thoughts."

"Do you know why the awakening has occurred?"

"When the time is right all things occur. You will know when it is time."

"I don't know whether to thank you for all or nothing."

"You know, and know better. Be gone now, and be happy."

"I will try." Ryn bent down and scooped up the old cat. She burrowed her face in the silky fur, and hugged the arrogant creature. "Thank you." She placed the cat in the sand and headed off in the moonlight.

She awoke feeling happier and more at peace than she had in ages. She was slightly disoriented upon waking though, and it took her a minute to get her bearings. Sometime during the night, her parents had stretched her out on the couch, and covered her. A quick glance at the chronometer told her that it had only been a few hours since they had talked. She rose quietly, and walked over to the desk. She left a note for them, and headed for toward the Holodeck. For some unknown reason she had a need to kick someone's butt at pool. "Computer? Location of Owen Paris and Dare Kim."

"Owen Paris is in Holodeck 1. Dare Kim is in Holodeck 1." With an evil grin, Ryn joined them.

The memories of that time slowly filed themselves away. The carefree girl that existed renewed herself. Eventually, the Firstborn received their first duty shift on the bridge. While thrilled with the responsibility of being on their own, they couldn't resist the standard harassment that was constantly present when their group was together. Before her shift, Ryn approached her father and asked him to place a replica of his tribal tattoo on her forehead. He explained that he wore the symbol to honor his father. She nodded, and told him that was why she wanted it. A symbol to honor her parents. He took pride in placing it there, and she in wearing it.

Time has a way of altering the way things are seen and shared. Ryn kept from her encounter a strong sense of command and duty. She also kept her unique physiology.

Six months later, Voyager encountered the Merians.

Kathryn Janeway beamed down to the planet to meet the council. She took an away team with her. Among the five members, was her newly appointed Lieutenant, Kathryn Chakotay. Ryn had proved her skill many times over the last year. They had been celebrating last night when the hail from the Meridians had come through. With the councils agreement, six crewmembers had beamed down to negotiations. The Merians were a humanoid species of average height. The had a bronze skin, reminiscent of the American Indian, and bright green, catlike eyes.

"Welcome to Meria, Captain. We would be willing to discuss trade and help accommodate your needs."

"Thank you Council Perel. We hope that Voyager has something of interest to trade with."

And so the negotiations continued. Finally the group reached an agreeable compromise, and the meeting led to festivities. Council Perel was fascinated with Ryn. His eyes continued to follow her throughout the day. Finally she questioned him. "Council Perel, is there something I can help you with?"

He grinned and blushed. He was a young man and could easily be caught admiring a beautiful woman. "My apologies. I'm afraid you fascinate me. You remind me of someone, I just can't place it."

Ryn laughed. "Most people say I am a replica of my mother." She nodded towards the Captain.

"I'm sure that's it. However, there is something else. Something I can't quite touch. It is in the tilt of your head. The way you stand. I don't know. Perhaps you would allow me the chance to get to know you a little better?"

Something in his eyes made Ryn uneasy. However, she didn't wish to insult a member of the council, especially when Voyager needed the supplies. She nodded her agreement and allowed Perel to escort her around.

Merian society had a lot to offer the space bound crew. There were concerts, theaters, social gatherings of all kinds, beaches and literature. New experiences and relaxation. Voyager's crew drank in the chance to restock and repair the ship. After nearly a month of visitation, Voyager again planned her departure. In honor of their visit, the Merians held an elaborate ball. All crewmembers were invited to attend. Ryn, as had become her habit, was escorted by Perel.

The party went well, and everyone had fun. As the evening was winding down, Perel led Ryn to the gardens beyond the banquet hall. "You should see the gardens by moonlight, Ryn. There is nothing more lovely, except yourself." Despite his exemplary behavior, Perel still made Ryn uneasy, especially went he went into compliment mode.

"Perel, please. Just show me these beautiful gardens, and allow me to enjoy them in your company." Her comments seemed to please him, and they walked in silence. The Merian gardens were indeed beautiful. Twin moonlight bathed everything in a warm, silver glow. It was magic. Absorbed in the beauty, Ryn never noticed the forms behind her. The shock of the blow sent her reeling to the ground. Blackness clouded her vision before her mind could even form a thought.

Chakotay felt a slight unease as he glanced around the room. Something was nagging at him, something he couldn't place. Finally he sought out Kathryn.

She grabbed his hand as soon as he approached. "Chakotay, have you seen Ryn? I can't find her anywhere, and she hasn't responded to hails."

He shook his head, the uneasy feeling settling in his stomach, making him nauseous. "Chakotay to Lieutenant Chakotay? Ryn answer me, please." Panic flared briefly before he tamped it down. "We had better contact the ship and see if we can locate her. It's possible her combadge is down." After contacting the ship, they found Ryn's combadge. It was lying in the garden. Its owner was nowhere to be found. Voyager's crew was unable to find her life signs. As the local authorities where called in, the crew began to lose hope. The river by the garden was dragged for the body. Council Perel was questioned. He claimed to have left her by the river while he went for refreshments. He was delayed, and when he returned, she was gone. He had assumed she had gone back to the party. It wasn't until later he was informed she was missing. Despite everything, the Captain and Commander remained sure in their belief that she was alive. They were also sure she was hurt and in danger. With time, that too faded. After nearly a week of searching, the local authorities wanted to give up. The command team refused, and asked for permission to continue the search. The trail was cold. There was nothing to go on. Finally, Tuvok and the others convinced them to let go. Voyager left Meria with a heavy and grieving heart.

Ryn was quickly learning a lesson in degradation and pain. Perel was obsessed. His fascination for Ryn had turned. He kept her in an isolated castle of sorts, complete with shielding designed to disguise life forms. She was chained to a wall with limited movement until she was needed. Any rebellion brought punishment. He kept her chained and drugged to eliminate the possibility of escape. Her mind slipped to other paths to avoid her reality. When she was lucid, she attempted to plan escape, and called out silent pleas to anyone for help. Eventually she resigned herself to the fact that her crew wasn't going to rescue her. She knew when they left orbit, because her sense of them diminished. Through her despair she resolved to get free and find her way home.

A small explosion rocked her out of her reverie. Astonishment washed over her as a delicate, elfin man walked up to her. He resembled the Merians, and yet was different. His ears were long, and delicately fluted. While tall, he was slim, and moved with a simple grace. With a simple touch of his hands, the chains released themselves. She fell forward, unable to stop herself. He caught her with amazing strength. "How? Why?"

"No questions now, Little One. It is time to go." Unable to comprehend her predicament, Ryn fainted.

She awoke to the sound of the surf washing up on the shore. A sense of peace settled in her. A dream walk, that's where she was. It wasn't real. A soft chuckle changed that thought. Her eyes snapped open and focused on a wizened old face. There was familiarity here that she couldn't quite place. "You have joined us at last, it seems." It was a gravely voice. One that was filled with knowledge and amusement.

"Who are you? Where am I?"

"I am Ah-Na. You are home again, Ryn. Do you not recognize this place?"

Her eyes opened in shock as she sat up. Above her sat the dual moons, shining contentedly down on the silver sea and black shore. "How did I get here?"

"Rono brought you. He and his team took you from Perel. There will be justice for his defilement of the Arion people. To harm one of us is to ask for trouble."

"Arion? I am on the Arion home world? I thought our world was Arios."

*Come. Bathe in the silver sea. We will join the others, and all will be revealed.*

Ryn blinked at the mental touch, and then she remembered, again. The Arion had existed for longer than any documented race. They ran their society much like a tribe. The elders were the leaders of the ruling council. At one point in their early history, the people had split. One group insisted on evolving through science, the other embraced the old ways and Nature. The first group moved to the main continents, increased their technology and population. They also decreased their lifespan. The second group followed the old paths, relying on the gifts nature had bestowed. They continued to inhabit the smaller islands. They eventually learned to use their abilities to shield themselves from strangers. A peace and trade agreement was formed between the two groups. The Merians agreed to protect the Arion from outsiders, and the Arion agreed to help the Merians. Many of the Arion held special abilities that made them valuable commodities in the trade market. Despite their differences, the two recognized the need for the other and the others value. Though it was rare that they crossed paths, they knew one another. As with any people, there were among the Merians those compelled by greed. It was this greed that had led to the isolationism of the Arion. Only the Merians, after nearly a millennia of hiding them, knew of their existence. The rest was myth. Perel had felt the kinship in Ryn, and though he couldn't place it, he was drawn to it. When awareness allowed him to see what he held, he attempted to control it. In the end, his obsession and greed had cost him his life. The Merian punishment for harm to any Arion was death.

The Arion themselves were a gentle race of healers and growers. Their entire lives evolved around the building of their society and their bonds. Life was the most precious of gifts. However, even among the gentlest of people there is a need for protectors. The Arion had a warrior caste. When Ryn's mental pleas for help were heard by her people, the warrior caste was sent in to rescue her. The alliance with the Merians included some of their people in the strike. Ryn was returned to the Arion, and Perel was turned over to his people for justice.

Ryn spent the next few weeks healing and learning. Despite the kinship and the peace she found in her return, Ryn still missed her family. She was no longer completely Arion. As time passed, the others sensed her discontent. The leading members of the Arion council petitioned the Merians, and Ryn was given passage on a Merian trade ship. Eager to begin her journey, Ryn bid her friends goodbye and looked to the stars.

It took Ryn nearly four months to locate Voyager. Her reunion was a joyous one. Within a week, she had reestablished friendships and her position onboard ship. She shared with her family and the crew, her adventures, and her joy at being home. She knew herself better than she ever had. She was ready for life.

When members of the Junior Grade became infected with a virus after visiting an uninhabited planet, nearly a year later, Ryn's instincts played out. She insisted the Doctor work on a vaccine based on the antibodies still in the Junior Grades' system. The vaccine was created, and with the Captain's insistence, the entire crew was inoculated. When Voyager encountered the Tren, the mutated virus had no more effect on the crew than mild cold. For their assistance, Voyager was given supplies from the Tren home world, and the location of a salvage yard, the result of the sector's war with the Rol. The salvage area was home to several old and damaged ships. Voyager's crew used many parts to refit and repair needy areas of the ship. Among the wreckage, Ryn located a small ship that, with some major repairs, could be of use to the crew. She was given control of the project, but limited manpower. While Voyager worked on her major repairs, the Firstborn, after their duty shifts worked on the small vessel. Within a week, Voyager was ready to go. Gathering everything they could and storing it in cargo bays, the Firstborn convinced the Captain to take the smaller ship in tow. Using all available resources, Ryn continued to work on the ship. After nearly a month of work, the ship was ready to go. Ryn christened the vessel the Hope. With the Captain's permission, twenty-three Junior Grade boarded the vessel. Her Captain, reporting to Voyager, was none other than Ryn Chakotay. Together, the two ships continued course for the Alpha Quadrant.

While sitting in her commander chair, Ryn studied the view screen. This was how she was meant to command. The Hope was hers. She had a loyal crew, and she had survived, intact, her worst nightmare. *Yep, hope, and life, was a wonderful thing.*

Everything happens in its time, and with a purpose. The key is to try and figure out the combination. Words are revised from something my good friend Frank said to me.

I realize I probably copped out on you guys with the ending. It ended the way I wanted it to, and it leaves it open for a series I am considering called the Adventures of the Junior Grade. This is not a definite, mearly an idea I am toying with. If you like my characters, and would like to see more of them, let me know.

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Copyright © 1998 Catherine Lee