Hanging by a moment

Standard Disclaimers: It's all mine and I'm rich, all copyright infringements will be prosecuted. (Oh wait I'm just a little gray furball with delusions of grandeur, I'm the one likely to be sued. I take it all back I ain't got nothing but a dragin and a warped imagination so there!)

This one is for Chancie and Kerry because I said I would. And for my favorite PIC, she knows why.

Hanging By a Moment

by Cat

Lyrics by Lifehouse, CD No Name Face.

Sometimes I wonder at my own stupidity. You would think that after years of rejection I would finally accept things the way they are. And to some point, I do, however there are times when the "I wish" and "I wonder" really interfere with reality. Not that there is anything wrong with the occasional fantasy or even wish, but as far as Kathryn was concerned I had tamped down those urges and stopped indulging. I think perhaps it comes from trying to fool yourself, lying to yourself to make the situation more bearable. There is nothing worse in this world than loving someone and knowing they love you, and not being able to act on it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unreasonable or that damn selfish, I understand why things are the way they are. Hell I even understand why they have to be this way, but every once in a while I'm reminded of what could be and all the time that's being wasted, and once more I make a fool of myself.

We've all been there of course, caught in that priceless moment where time stands still. When everything hovers in the balance, the senses are heightened and the next move you make is critical to your existence. That perfect, horrible moment when all that is important shimmers at the edge of your view, ready to blossom or shatter at a word or a touch. You hold your breath, afraid to move, and then the inevitable happens and the choice is made and its over. That's what this is all about of course; that one moment in time when everything comes down to an essential choice. That's why I'm mooning over what could have beens and fantasizing about something I can't have, all because of a moment that reminded me of everything I don't have. I suppose the logical course of action would be to replay that moment, allow myself to pull it out and study it objectively. The problem with that is that I'm far from objective and it exemplifies all I want. However, the key to denial is to be aware of what you are denying. Makes a strange sort of sense to me anyway. If I study it and feel it all, even for a few hours, then perhaps I can store those feelings away again until its okay to have them.

It all started on the holodeck. Neelix and Tom collaborated on a New Year's Eve party. It was a great time. Kathryn and I had made our rounds, taken a turn or two on the dance floor, you know the ones, quick, fun, barely touching, and played the charming host and hostess. It was wonderful. We even managed a few rounds of pool and a couple hands of cards. Things were as they always were, two friends having fun. My downfall was waiting. You see in all these years we have unanimously agreed to be on opposite ends of the room when the official New Years call went out. For tradition, silly as it is recommends a kiss, and after being caught together our first year, and fumbling through tradition, we avoided it from then on. Not that I don't want to kiss her, didn't want to kiss her, just that it exemplifies everything we can't have, therefore we resist temptation. As I said, my downfall was waiting. It seems that our marvelous crew still holds matchmaking tendencies and at a few minutes before midnight, I found myself changing partners. In my arms, in the middle of a slow dance, I found my dream. She was as shocked as I was. All I could think was how beautiful she was, and then her eyes met mine and there we were, frozen in that moment, each of us thinking the same thing. Then the clock chimed and the cheering began, and I waited, wondering how to move. I saw the invitation and the doubt and it tugged at my heart in a way it hasn't been tugged in a long time. I had a choice, one that would alter our lives, and I was trapped in the moment, waiting, barely breathing. Finally I moved, and I heard the exhale of her breath as my lips touched her forehead. I held her tightly, my embrace more telling than my kiss, and then I released her, the choice made, the moment gone, and feeling the fool for wishing.

I left the party shortly thereafter, hurrying back to my cabin to brood. And brooding I am. I know she felt it because she left too, avoiding me the rest of the night. I can't help wondering, wishing that I had taken that other path. Just once I'd like to know the taste of her, the texture of her mouth meshed to mine. But such is not to be. Sighing I get another cup of tea. I can't help being disgusted with myself. I'm not a brooder by nature, and I love this woman enough to let her be what she has to be, but I can't seem to help myself. I glance at the clock as the door chime rings. I can't help but smile at the numbers. It's late, or early depending on how you look at it. The chronometer reads 0300.

I'm not surprised though, she an I are two sides of the same coin. If I'm mulling the days events, so is she. "Come."

The door opens and she enters slowly, allowing her eyes to adjust to the dim lights. The pajamas she is wearing seem familiar and suddenly I remember why. Time falls away and another night, when passions ran high, comes back to me. Her face is just as vulnerable and just as determined. I smile again, this time at her and my heart eases. We know where we stand, the choice is made. I lift a hand to her and she stops confused. Suddenly a smile creases her face and she lifts a hand as well. A silent tear tracks down her cheek as our fingers intertwine and the memory of a legend echoes through our minds.

It wasn't until later, as I was walking her to my door and we were saying our goodnights that those thoughts entered my head again. I'm a man after all and how could I miss those feminine hips outlined in satin. Of course I didn't say anything but she turned and caught me. Once more our eyes met and the passion that had flared between us earlier caught again and flared even brighter. I stole my breath for a moment. I moved forward without thinking. Her hands can up, resting on my chest. We stood there, eye to eye, waiting, breathing, both afraid to move. Time stood still, one heart beat, two, ten. I wasn't moving this time it wasn't going to be my fault. This time is was her choice.

Her voice came out in a whisper, all her thoughts and feelings flashing in her eyes, echoing in her voice. "Chakotay?"

I don't respond, just standing there waiting watching, and finally it pays off. She moves slowly her body blending with mine as she raises her hands and draws my head down. Lips mesh and the taste is like the sweetest ambrosia. She is the first to break the kiss and her head rests against my chest. I still can't say anything, move. Fate is in her hands as always. I've made my choice, my move, the rest is up to her. I hear the amusement in her voice. "You're sneaky Chakotay."

I can't help but smile. "I'm just standing here Kathryn."

"Uh huh." Her eyes meet mine again and the promise there lifts my heart. "Tell me another one."

My hands reach up to cradle her face. My kiss is light and tender. "I am. I just standing here." Another tender kiss and another smile. "I'm standing here until you make me move." The next kiss is hers, and suddenly my world is full of promise. So many promises, caught in a moment.

Fin~

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