Okay, I have no idea where this came from. {Me of course} Shut up Furball. It seems my muse has decided to flee from her daily pursuits to the beach to watch the surfers to spend some time with me. I haven't decided yet if I'm glad she's back or if I want to runaway screaming, you decide. {She loves me} Keep dreamin'. Anyway, Cat was having a really pissy day the other day so I popped in an my favorite mood CD and found a song that just hit my mood right on the head and started the old juices flowing. I realize that the lyrics are quiet a bit different than what I usually use, but I'm not really complaining. I hope you will take the time to read through them and try to get a flow for what I've been listening to the last few days nonstop. It's beautiful, almost bluesy, and I recommend this CD to anyone who likes a rock/slash blues mix. Also, I waited until the end to put in the lyrics because I felt they were too perfect there.Oh, and the title should look familiar, though I'm not real big on using the same musician/CD. It works. I hope you enjoy.
Song: Take Me, from the CD Misguided Roses by Edwin McCain.
PG-13
Private War
Once more I am at odds with the things around me. Oh, I'm good. I don't show it, I hide everything behind a façade of control, a mask of indifference, but I am lost, floundering in an unknown sea for the first time in years. He has done that to me. He has pulled the pins from the junctures of my bridge and allowed the whole framework to crumble. Everything I have known and relied on has deserted me and I don't know what to do. I'm pacing my quarters, tears flowing for the first time in years, in an old bathrobe, alternately studying the uniform I have become, and the door which offers my only salvation.
I pull my boots off, throw my weapon on the floor. Cry my eyes out in my private little war...
What has brought me to this point? A man, the only man I have ever truly loved, but denied in the name of duty, honor, protocol… What was my logic? Right now I can't even understand it, even though I have stood by it for nearly six years. My heart aches as I remember his words. He came to me in my ready room. I knew something was wrong. I've been reading him for years, and he me. In his eyes I saw defeat, and an overwhelming sense of loss. My first urge was to take him in my arms and comfort him, but I could not. I couldn't cross that barrier, the one I had placed up and reinforced, or so I thought. Instead I leaned back in my chair giving him my full attention. He sat before me and ran his hands through his hair, seemingly at a loss for words, and then he spoke. "I can't do this anymore Captain."
"What?"
His eyes met mine and a coldness seeped into my heart. "I can't stay on this ship, work next to you day to day, loving you like I do, and never touch more than your hand, never know the taste of your lips. I can't love you and want you and know I can never have you. So I am leaving. I am formally resigning as Voyager's XO and staying behind on Letrevia. The natives are friendly and I have already made some friends. I have even petitioned the council and received permission to stay behind. Voyager is leaving tomorrow and I'm not going."
A rage like I've never known raced through me, nearly overwhelming me in its passing. I blocked it, forcing myself cold and numb. What could I say, do? I thought he understood why things would never be between us. I guess I was wrong once more. "If that is what you feel you must do, fine. Thank you for taking the time to inform me off your decision. Dismissed." I dropped my eyes back to my desk and stared blindly at the padd in my hand. He stood, I could read the uncertainty in his movements. Don't go my heart screamed, don't leave me. But my mouth remained silent. Finally he left, no more words, nothing but silence and the weight of failure between us.
Well it seems I've been a soldier, heaven knows I've been no saint. With my camouflage and armor, cold heart and grease paint, To you this has no meaning the Armistice laid down, the armies all are quiet and the guns don't make a sound…
So now I stand here trembling like a child reflecting back, wishing I had said what was in my heart, praying for the courage to make a decision. The woman or the captain, which would win? I thought I was so strong, that I could face anything. I don't want to, not without him… They decision is made. I don't know what to do, but I have no choice, not really. I need him like I need air. There is a party for him in the messhall. A room full of people I don't need to make this declaration. Witnesses to either my ultimate joy or ultimate humiliation.
Well now three on a match is suicide in the foxhole of my mind, and way off in the distance the air raid sirens whine…
There he is, talking, laughing, as if the decision he has made is of no more import that putting on his shoes, but it doesn't matter. He pulls me like a magnet, no more thought, and the doubts just seem to fade away. The walls and barriers I have built have crumbled to the ground, helpless, unnecessary in his shadow.
And they sing a song of rescue to my tattered worn out shell, You drag me to your safety from this my front line hell…
I can't stop myself from going to him. His back is to me, and the room has suddenly gone silent as the others notice me. I am out of uniform for the first time in years, fully Kathryn, the Captain put to rest. He stiffens slightly, knowing instinctively it's me. I can't help the smile that touches my lips. So close, so in tune to one another, how could I deny that all these years. Fear… Always fear.
The blood that was spilled in the heartache before, left roadmaps of scars that I never could ignore.
As my trembling fingers touch his shoulder, he turns. His eyes widen slightly as they take in my civilian clothes. His mask slips away as he reads and acknowledges the emotions in my eyes and on my face. The tears slip down my cheeks unheeded. My voice is a whisper. "Take me with you, or stay, just don't leave me."
His hands capture mine, pulling them close, holding them tightly. "Why?"
'Cause you melted the steel walls, tore down the barbed wire, filled in the trenches, demanded a cease fire, and now you're leaving, there's nothing I can do, I want you to know that, you're taking me with you…
"Because I need you… I love you." I never could have imagined such a large man could move so fast. One moment he's studying my face, searching for the truth, and the next his warm, soft lips are covering mine.
As he comes up for air, I notice the clapping of the crew. A part of my resents their interference, but then, as his mouth descends once more, all thoughts are lost, and as he whispers "Finally!" my heart beats with joy. My private war is over, and in defeat I have won.
Fin~