Today
Kathryn Janeway Personal Log
It's my own fault really. I shouldn't complain, or be melancholy about it. I opened my big mouth and this is the result. Another birthday spent alone. I told them, oh on my last birthday, that I wanted no more fuss. It was just another day after all. They finally listened. I think the worst part is that no one seems to care. What I wanted was no fuss, no presents and parties, but I have to admit I miss the warm wishes and the smiles. I mean, what is a birthday if no one wishes you a happy one? And how can it be happy if no one reminds you? I'm a fool, and instead of joining one of the many groups enjoying their evening, I'm sitting here, alone in my quarters, brooding. Figures.
"Bree-oop"
Kathryn pulled herself from her reverie. "Come" As the door slid open to reveal her first officer, she couldn't stop the smile that eased forth. She gave him a quizzical glance as her stood in the doorway, an uneasy look on his face. "Chakotay?"
It seemed to pull him back to himself. "I know you said no fuss, but…" He removed his hands from behind his back. One held a bouquet of white roses, the other a bottle of wine. "I couldn't go to bed without at least wishing you a happy birthday. You never forget mine."
She stepped forward, taking the flowers and burying her face in them to hide the sudden rush of tears that threatened to fall. "Thank you."
He noticed anyway, and stepped forward, concerned. "Kathryn?"
She shook her head and gestured him to take a seat as she got a vase for the flowers and some glasses for them. She placed the flowers on the coffee table in front of her sofa, and sat next to him. Lifting her glass, she studied the ruby liquid for several moments. He waited patiently, knowing she would speak when the time came. It did. "I'm a fool."
"What?"
"I made all that fuss about my birthday, and I was sitting here brooding because no one even wished me a happy birthday. Then, you came in and I wanted to cry, because you didn't forget and cared enough to let me know."
"We're friends. That's part of the benefits."
Her gaze met his briefly, filled with doubt and something else, before skirting away again. Once more she studied the liquid in her glass, sipping then studying it again. "Do you still wish things were different between us?"
He blinked, startled at the question. "I'm not sure how to answer that, Kathryn, without raising some ghosts. Some you've convinced me are better off dead."
She shook her head. "It's crazy, I'm sorry for mentioning it."
"It's okay. I think I understand. Besides, you are my best friend. There shouldn't be secrets between us."
She nodded, swirling her drink absently. "Sometimes I miss just sitting in a room with someone. Maybe we are each doing our own thing, reading, working on something, but its just the two of you, and the silence is comforting. Then, when it seems too quiet, quiet enough to distract you, you look up and focus outward, and there is that other person. Their presence fills you and the sound of their breathing chases away the loneliness as easy as any words." Her eyes were focused outward and inward. Staring sightlessly at nothing, but a memory.
Chakotay's heart twisted a bit. "I think I do understand now. I know exactly what you mean. That total sense of companionship where you are alone, but never alone. When you're with the person you care about, but no words are necessary to feel the connection. And, when you are apart, they are so much a part of you that you still aren't alone. I miss that too."
Neither noticed as the silence crept in, or as they slowly drifted closer together on the sofa until Kathryn was leaning against Chakotay's shoulder. Her sigh of contentment drew them back to their surroundings. "Do you know what else I miss Chakotay?"
"What?"
"This. Being comfortable enough with someone to drape over them. Not a sexual thing, though I miss that as well, but just the camaraderie. The knowing. It doesn't have to be anything more than this, and its okay."
His arm curled around her, and he snuggled her closer. He wiggled and shifted until he was laying on the couch and she beside him, almost on top of him. She stiffened briefly and allowed herself to absorb the embrace. His hand shifted and he stroked her hair. As he spoke, the caress continued. "You know what? It is okay." The hand continued its movement and they enjoyed the embrace together.
Kathryn snuggled closer, her hand tracing idle patterns on his chest. "Chakotay?"
"Hmmm?"
"What else do you miss?"
"Me? I miss the little things, and the not so little things."
"Like?"
"Well, intimacy. I'm not just talking about sex, though I miss that too. But the intimacy, like you described. I miss go to sleep with the woman I love curled in my arms. I miss waking up in the morning and watching her sleep. I miss hugs… and kisses. But I guess there is more to it than even that. I miss be a part of something, something more than myself. What about you?"
She nodded, her arms going around his chest to give him a hug of support. "I miss being able to do something, just because it feels good or right. I miss not having to think about everything I do before doing it, weighing the consequences. I miss being a woman, acting like one, smelling like one, thinking like one. I miss being me."
He cuddled her closer and kissed the top of her head. He shifted her again, and this time she lay on top of him, her head tucked under his chin. They lay together, listening to the silence, and each other breath, and missing nothing at all.
TBC in ... And Forever