I had originally planned to do this sequel to another song, one that moved me, yet made me smile at the same time. But no matter how many times I listened to it, it wouldn't allow me to visualize the story. See that’s the way Cat and songs work. I often hear several songs that I think "Hey, that would be a perfect J/C song" or "Definitely Janeway" or even "that’s Chakotay to a tee," but if, after listening to them repeatedly, I can't get past the intial feeling, where the ideas actually flow, and I see the image in my head, then I can't write them. Oh sure, I could make something come out, but that would be cheating all of us, and I'd rather give you my vision than my BS. Anyway, I heard this song and BAM I knew it was perfect, excatly what I was looking for. So, without further ado…Companion piece to Private War.
This is dedicated to all of those who read and enjoy my stories, and take the time to tell me so.
Song: Promise of You, by Edwin McCain (yep it's that boy again). CD: Messenger
PG-13
To Believe
The Promise of you, it sleeps in the air, the air that I breathe, and I know that it's true, don't have to convince myself to believe…
My mama used to tell me that believing in something or someone other than yourself was a risk you had to take to be complete. That's what love is anyway, a matter of trust, a complete feeling of faith in another individual, to give all of yourself to them and to get everything they are back in return. That was my mistake. I gave, have given every part of myself she will take, and I only get a glimpse of what could be, because she would not give in return. I must be a fool, to keep coming back time and time again, accepting each morsel she throws my way, praying that this time the emotion I see shining in her eyes is real, that she won't deny it. Sometimes I see her so clearly I see her. The fear that lies beneath that controlled exterior, the woman and the Captain, her beautiful soul that shimmers and shines and begs to be free and loved. I love her… There are times too when my dreams seem so real, that when I wake and find myself alone in my bed, I cry. They are so real, I can scent her in the air, absorb her essence in the very bulkheads of this ship. As if I don't do that anyway, everyday. I… I am a fool.
What secrets sleep in the heart of a man? So much love wasted, slips right through my hands. See it in the eyes of the lonely, as they make their weary way,
We arrived at this beautiful planet. The natives were friendly and intellegent, and suddenly I started making plans. I did stop to think about them, because I knew if I did, it would rip my heart out. I couldn't really bare the thought of leaving, but my mind knew it was time. I couldn't tell her though, I couldn't make it real. And even as I planned to leave the ship, I went about my daily routine, believing it wouldn't come to that, that she would know and stop me somehow. On the morning before our planned departure, I looked in the mirror as I began my morning shave. For the first time in a long time I recognized the man looking back at me, and I didn't like what I was seeing. My face was drawn, my eyes filled with this hopelessness and longing, and I knew… knew what my mind had been telling me all along. I couldn't go on this way. I couldn't look at her everyday, loving her as I do, and not touch her, hold her, comfort her. It was time, all I had to do was tell Kathryn.
Shimmer in the eyes of longing, I hear it say, the promise of you, it sleeps in the air the air that I breathe, and I know that it's true, don't have to convince myself to believe… to believe…
Once the decision was made, it seemed so easy. I strode onto the bridge with a purpose. I rang the chime on her ready room door, and I entered, ready to tell her and get on with my life. It didn't work out that way. The instant the doors closed behind me, her scent infiltrated me will, and all the despair, all the hopelessness of unrequited love struck me with the force of a thousand blows. How I stayed on my feet, I'll never know. I couldn't actually, and sank into a chair before her desk. I knew I had her attention, but I couldn't think. Finally, the words that had echoed through my mind this morning, came back and freed my tongue.
"I can't do this anymore Captain."
"What?"
I met her eyes, I had to tell her face to face, no more masks and charades. She knew I think, even then, but for now confusion reigned. "I can't stay on this ship, work next to you day to day, loving you like I do, and never touch more than your hand, never know the taste of your lips. I can't love you and want you and know I can never have you. So I am leaving. I am formally resigning as Voyager's XO and staying behind on Letrevia. The natives are friendly and I have already made some friends. I have even petitioned the council and received permission to stay behind. Voyager is leaving tomorrow and I'm not going."
I think I saw a brief flash of rage in her eyes before the Captain tool over again. My heart sank. "If that is what you feel you must do, fine. Thank you for taking the time to inform me off your decision. Dismissed." I stood, weary, lost, everything in me telling me not to do this not to go. It was almost as if she were screaming it to me, I so wanted to believe it. Please Kathryn say something, anything to make me stay. But there were no words, and I left, feeling as though I had made the worst mistake of my life.
What secrets sleep in the heart of the night, dreams of salvation slipping out of sight, in the shimmering moments of twilight, closing up the shine, whisper on the wind of a rescue, savior in time…
I stood there, among friends, my heart broken by my own hand, sipping on one of Neelix's concoctions, and staring out the viewport, more alone than I have ever been. B'Elanna and the others are trying so hard to make this a happy farewell party that I pulled back to myself and tried to focus on the conversation, even laughing at Tom's joke. But it wasn't what I wanted. I felt her the instant she enter the room, not needing the sudden silence of the crew to alert me to her presence. Everything in me wanted to turn around, beg her to forgive my foolishness, and allow me to stay, but I made a choice and must stand by it. She touches my shoulder, and I turn, ready to show her the cold mask has taught me to use and I lose myself, as I always do. She's dressed in civies, I hadn't seen her in civies in years, and she is beautiful. I meet her eyes, and see there everything I wanted, everything I hoped for.
Her tears move me beyond words. She too has reached a conclusion, I can only hope that it is one we can both live with. Her voice is shaky, barely there. "Take me with you, or stay, just don't leave me."
I should rejoice, but I can't. I catch her hands in mine, demanding the answer, the only thing that can truly make me stay now. The game is over and done and no matter what, I have to have all, or nothing. "Why?"
"Because I need you… I love you."
All I see is the truth in her eyes and I know she is mine and I have to hold her, kiss her, before I wake up and find myself without a dream. Her lips are warm and the tiny puffs of air against my mouth and her soft moan is perfect. I know I'm not dreaming and my heart rejoices once more. I come up for air briefly all but oblivious to the clapping of the crew and I know I have to taste her once more. Everything is there in my eyes, and I see the promises in hers. "Finally!" She has seen the truth and she is mine.
The promise of you, it sleeps in the air, the air that I breathe, and I know that its true, don't have to convince myself to believe. All this time I've been fighting my own private war, all this time, you were the peace I was looking for.
I wake and a sense of panic fills me as I begin to think this was all a dream, and then a whisper of breath and a soft movement beside me draws my attention to the woman I love. I can't stop the tender stroke of my hand over her cheek, or the tender kiss to her brow. Her eyes open and she offers me the sweetest, most beautiful smile, one of pure contentment. She lifts her arms and twines them around my neck, pulling me down for a kiss. My peace, my love, my Kathryn. "I love you Kathryn."
"I love you too, Chakotay." As me arms tighten around her, I think of the future with hope. Finally, our love is something to believe in.
Fin~