Freefall

Standard disclaimers: You know the drill. Paramount's characters, my ideas. No money for me.

I was in a strange mood when I wrote this. I spent the day breathing the warm air, tinted with the smell of the sea. The sky was clear and blue, with scarcely a cloud. My fellow college students roamed around in various states of dress, chatting with their friends and sleeping in the sunshine on the campus lawn. Something in my made me look around. Everything seemed brighter, newer, with more vivid detail. Here I was, surrounded by people, and yet totally alone and absorbed in my thoughts and observations. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate this awareness when it comes. It's like a gift. It makes me evaluate what I've done and find the good.

Warning, contains discussion of sex, but no details. KJ's POV.

PG-13

Freefall

I hate this. I sit here staring out the window, lost in thoughts that shouldn't be. At what point in our lives do we stop this seemingly endless introspection? Why is it that when things are quiet and we have the time to relax and enjoy our lives, we slip into a role of self-doubt, and question decisions that are made and cannot be undone? Perhaps it is because at these times we are able to look into ourselves and see what we are missing, what I am missing.

My thoughts drift back to him. The cause for all these doubts, for the questioning. Why do I do this to myself? I know my responsibilities, I accept them. I don't have to like it though, and that is why I am so miserable. So why am I obsessing on this? I don't know. What do I want then? I want so many things. I am female and I love being such and dressing as such. I love wearing all the soft, feminine things worn by my gender. I want the warm body next to me at night. I want the companionship, unique to a relationship. I want the love that lasts through all time. What do I have? A loyal crew, a working ship, and a beautiful friendship, tainted by feelings best left uncovered. He is a beautiful creation. Soft, silk black hair, caring eyes, and a warm sensitive soul. My best friend.

He doesn't push. He never even mentions how he feels, but I see it nonetheless. Is it vain to think that this man loves me despite or perhaps because of all we've been through? He does. His heart is in his eyes every time we are together. He shows it in everything he does. Part of me basks in his attention, wishing to say damn protocol, and accept and return his affection. The other part pulls the Captain cloak closer around me and tries to ignore what I see.

Sometimes I want to shed all my inhibitions, grab him close, and indulge in hot, wild sex. Sometimes I just want to feel, enjoy every aspect of loving and be loved. Sex is a great stress reliever and the personal contact fills a void, a need. It's life-affirming and pleasurable. I know, however, that it's just not possible. There can be no one night stands on this ship. If we were to slack our lust and indulge in a little physical intimacy, there could be no going back. And me? Would I be able to look at my face in the mirror and still like the person I become because I broke my moral standing, flung aside my beliefs? Every time I have second guessed myself, I have regretted it. But I want it… What do I want anyway? Everything… but I don't want to lose this amazing friendship. I'm so afraid. Everything is so comfortable, secure. Sure I have these doubts, but why?

There really is no decision. It's made and cannot be undone. But I want… This makes me sad. Why can't I bend? Should I bend? What would happen if I freed myself from this safety net and jumped? Would I freefall for an eternity, only to crash into hell? I've been there, done that, and really don't want to do it again. Why then am I sitting on the edge, rocking and debating the fall? Or… would I freefall, only to turn, and find his arms around me, holding me, keeping me from falling alone? What is it I feel that keeps pulling at me? I am fond of him, he's my friend. It's a warm, comfortable, secure, and familiar feeling… Oh hell, who am I kidding? I love him with everything in me that is a friend… and a woman. But I am afraid. Dare I let go of this net, close my eyes, and jump? Chakotay, will you catch me?

"Always, Kathryn."

Bloody hell! I can't help but stare at him in total shock. How long he's been there, I don't know, but somehow he is here, and I have obviously spoken out loud. His eyes are begging me to respond, to not push this away, to acknowledge him. All I can do is gap at him in horror.

He holds his hand out to me. "Jump Kathryn. I'll catch you. We can fall together, never alone."

I can't think. My eyes lock with his. Everything I feel is reflected back at me. Suddenly, all my doubts disappear. I can only so one thing. I take his hand. As his fingers wrap around mine, I close my eyes, and jump…

I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I have made another choice that goes against some things I believe in. It's too early to tell, but I can't really regret this decision. I am freer and more comfortable with myself, my crew, and especially him. It may not have been the best choice I've made, but I made it. I am happy now. This is one more responsibility to add to my never ending chain, but I welcome it with open arms, and an open heart.

For a brief yet heartouching Chakotay POV to this story, zip over to Nada's Always Kathryn.

FIN

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